The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.
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people say all kinds of stupid things, my favorite is hello.
Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life
Guy: who was that?
Me: it was an automated call reminding me to vote
Guy: uh huh. How’d he get your number?
If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.
Me: “I’m still tired from all the crossfit this morning.”
My co-worker: “It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ and you ate 4 of them.”
‘Hey look, hot dogs!’
Dogs: *blush* omg thanks
[ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.
The strawberry frosted pop tart was resplendent.
That’s right, I learned a new word today. Pop-tart; a thin breakfast pastry filled with jam and cooked in a toaster.
(On a date)
Her: the last guy I dated was really immature, so I ended it.
Me: haha yeah that was a good call…
*deletes ‘funny goat sounds’ app from my phone under the table*
Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.
Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.
The healthy food in my fridge should be grateful really. It survives much longer than everything else.
Ever wonder why we call it a period and not that time of the paragraph?
My son was so excited to get a text from his beloved mama, he responded only eight hours later with a heartfelt “aight.”
Not to brag but a guy I made out with in 8th grade just wished me a happy birthday on Facebook and asked me to subscribe to his YouTube channel 🤩
(Standing in front of 3d printer waiting for my bullets to print out as a killer walks toward me) come onnnn come onnnnnn
Deadpool was Green Lantern
Batman was Daredevil
Captain America was Human Torch
And we’re just gonna walk around like EVERYTHING is OK???
“can’t you take a hint?” bro I don’t even understand literal stuff
Operator: “9-1-1 please hold…”
Me: “Ok. Hey, stop stabbing me for a second.”
Murderer: “K.”
The purpose of twitter is to gain enough followers that you can post something like “eating a burger” and have 40 people reply saying hell yea
[ first day of engineer school ]
teacher: and what don’t we call them
me: choo choos
teacher: [nodding] choo choos
Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale
My 6yo: (looking outside) It’s raining
My 10yo: but not pouring
Me: and the old man is not snoring
6yo:
10yo:
Me:
6yo: YOU’RE an old man
Me: 😑
Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.
I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
Me: I don’t want to fill up on bread.
Executioner: This is literally your last meal.
*first day as a conductor
“Tickets, please”
*the orchestra is confused
Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.
Ma’am do you know anything about your husband’s death?
Yeah, suicide. It’s awful isn’t it?
You’re saying he chopped himself up and threw his body in the lake?
*sigh* I know, he had some real demons.
Dora: “Swiper, no swiping!”
Swiper (on Tinder): …