Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
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How to meet a girl:
1) Walk into a bar.
2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.”
3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.
Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.
No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test
speed dating but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food
Shouldn’t Spiderman have 4 more legs?
Marriage is like when you were a kid on Easter and saw this HUGE chocolate bunny in your basket.
But it was hollow. And white chocolate.
Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.
Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.
Detective interviewing me about the murder of my friend: is there anyone who may have wanted to kill them ?
Me: yeah looks like it
It was the kind of movie that kept you on the edge of your seat, waiting for something interesting to happen.
If I were Spock, I would spend 24 hours a day saying things like “get out of my Vulcan face” and “are you Vulcan kidding me?”
If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.
[parole hearing]
“What will u do if released?”
“Kill everyone on the jury.”
“What?”
“Buy everyone jewellery.”
“Aw. Granted.”
them: are you with someone or are you alone?
me: *winks* who’s asking?
them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.
Don’t tell your friend you like her sweater unless you mean it; she might knit you one.
You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.
2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive
I distinctly remember back in January saying “I wish I could spend more time home.”
To all of you I deeply apologize for not saying “world peace”.
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?
My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.
The seatbelt sensor dinged at my 5yo because he unbuckled while we were parked, and he yelled back MY MOM SAID I COULD OK
Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
Pretty sure this is the only account you need right now➡️@thefunnytweeter
My mom: “I’m going to wear your father’s hearing aids tomorrow.”
Me: “You should wear them all the time.”
Her: “What?”
Me: “Exactly.”
therapist: and what is it about this generation that bothers you?
satan: i give them the intro tour and they just say shit like “ooo spooky lol”
therapist: that’s not so bad
satan: when i showed one girl the pit of everlasting flame, she sighed and said “big mood”
We were stuck in traffic once when I was a kid and I had to pee so badly that I cried and my mom gave me a coffee cup to pee in and I think about that day every time I pee in a coffee cup.
monday