We Didn’t Start the Fire is a great song for many reasons, but one of the most underrated is, like all great history projects, it starts off super detailed & thorough until you realize it’s due the next day & you end up condensing 1963-1989 into like two stanzas
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My new favorite headline
My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.
Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.
Priest: Marriage lasts until death. You’re not married in heaven.
Me: Why not?
Wife: Then we’d be in hell.
[showing my chiropractor the scene where the robot stretches Mr. Incredible and fixes his back]: This. I want this.
People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
Snow white: it’s really starting to get dark in the forest & I’m gettting scared!
Huntsman: How do you think I feel! I’ve gotta find my way back on my own.
Me: I made this belt out of herbs
Her: why?
Me: oh, just waisting some thyme
Me *hesitates to do CPR on a friend who’s on the floor, unconscious*: What if he comes back as a zombie
911 Operator: No, he’d have to be dead awhile, then reanimated through some kind of disease vector or lightning storm.
Me: Thank you!
Operator: That’s what we’re here for.
Twitter is like 192 million people screaming “Mom watch me jump in the pool”
I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.
Betrayed.
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
You can just give us the recipe, bloggers. We don’t need a 3,000 word dissertation about everything you’ve done in your life up until the point you put this food in the oven.
Can’t stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.
[On a Ferris wheel]
Him *kisses her* this is so perfect!
Her *kisses him back* and so romantic!
Me: It’s weird these things have 3 seats
The first one, obviously
My 3yo was sitting on my lap reading a book
I lowered my head to kiss the top of his head
At the same time he whipped his head up and whacked my nose, fracturing itI have a swollen bruised nose just bc I wanted to love him
This is motherhood
Him: Let’s go out tonight.
Me: It’s a work night and very late.
Him: It’s 5:00PM on a Friday.
Me: I’M EXHAUSTED. WHY CAN’T YOU HAVE AN AFFAIR LIKE MY FRIEND’S HUSBANDS?
date: tell me about yourself
me: I want to kill the moon
date: I have a bit of a dark side too
me: [narrows eyes]
If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.
Bike for sale
I wrote out SOS with M&M’s
Five minutes later
I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s
If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.
Ladies, if he:
– only wants to hang out when he’s drunk
– never brings you around his friends
– fingers on his head
– no legs or feet
– always trying to sell you pastaHe’s not your man. He’s the hamburger helper glove
me: “we put statues of you in every church and we all wear necklaces in your memory”
jesus: “they better not be of me dying on a cross”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
Toured a marmalade factory today. That was jarring
My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up
My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.