Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.
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V-Day Single: “I am missing out on so much joy.”
V-Day, Dating: *stresses out over finding the perfect gift*
V-Day Married: “We should probably, like, go out or something.”
V-Day Married w/ Kids: “You need how many valentines? For people who can’t even read yet? By when?”
Feels wrong for women to be playing soccer while I’m just sitting here watching. I should be helping them
I’m off to the store
got your wallet?
yes
you sure?
YES
*hour later wife turns on news and I’m being chased by 6 cop cars and a helicopter*
bartender: the usual?
me: you know it
bartender: [throws me thru window]
You going to eat those sausages?
– What?
The encased meats. Do you want them?
– Those are my fingers.
Oh, no thanks, I’m not there yet.
I’m as clever as the person who named bagpipes
Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.
I’ve got this.
*grabs a hammer*
Sorry I didn’t text you back, my hands are sore from karate chopping loaves of bread in half and feeding them to starving children all day.
4: mommy? *takes bite*
Me: yes, love?
4: *chewing* I’m hungry.
Me: …I have good news
that time I was high af and thought I laid an egg
My son’s voicemails from camp sound like Civil War updates:
“Hi mother. I’m in charge of taking everyone down Salt Creek in canoes. It’s been pouring for days and our tents are soaking. Morale is low. I love you.”
It doesn’t necessarily absolutely have to be Halloween to grab a bag and go to your neighbours to ask for candy, right? Back me up on this, gang
I looked out the window to enjoy the beautiful view of our mountains. I then looked over to the left toward the end of our driveway and I see my 10 yo and 8 yo. They were twerking whenever cars came by.
We have to move now.
I’m just your average mom, trying to convince my kids that 4:45pm is indeed their bedtime, because I’ve had enough of their shit for one day
I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.
[throws dirty diaper away]
– OMG WHAT R U DOING?!
– it’s gross im not touching that
– GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT!
– ugh, fine
“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time
When in doubt, ask yourself WWBD: What Would Beyoncé Do? Would she apply for a job? Nope. She’d just show up one day like “I work here now.”
There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious
Me: [2013] I don’t trust anyone I meet online
Me: [2018] last night I met someone on Twitter and we’re moving in together to become paranormal investigators
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
My 5 y/o: ugh, all we have is cereal for breakfast
[Next morning, after I make pancakes]
My 5 y/o: I’ll have cereal
I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.
Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?
This classic never gets old . . .
A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
A good way to break up with a girl is to leave her a trail of rose petals starting from her front door to North Korea.
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die
If Ticketmaster had an outlet store, it would be called the $500 Dollar Tree.
Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda