My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
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“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
The very existence of a flying mammal is intrinsically insulting to a flightless bird. Hence the huge animosity involved in The Penguin vs Batman.
me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad
Some people come into your life for a reason.
Like for target practice.
[Car breaks down]
Me:*inspecting engine*
Date: is everything ok?
Me: *nervously searching 100 now empty hamster wheels* haha..y-yep
Have you ever checked those ‘Twitter accounts that work well with yours’?
I just did.
Three convicted murderers, two people on the run from the FBI and a man who thinks he’s a tree 🤦♂️😂
The only occasions in which I will run:
– Zombie apocalypse
– Salma Hayek is handing out all-you-can-eat baby back ribs
7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”
Me: There’s a cold spot I think it’s a ghost
Her: You’re standing in front of the open refrigerator
Me: OUR REFRIGERATOR IS HAUNTED?!
*at dinner table*
Me: ‘Remember that time I lied to you about liking your potato salad?’
Her:
Me: ‘Anyway, I’m sorry.’
Heading to the dentist. I hope they’ve all taken their Valium and said their prayers.
“Ewww what is wrong with your mouth?”
Me thru coated lips:
I read that peanut butter is good for chapped lips. What? You think I should have used creamy?
This dude messaged me to tell me to just block the dudes that annoy me so I replied “good idea” and then blocked him and he was so right it felt so great
I brought a load of laundry into the living room to fold, and my husband said, “You do this every day. I’m onto you. You just want to take a break.” So, anyway, in lieu of flowers please make a donation to the charity of your choice.
Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso
[dinner time]
ME: *puts baby in a lifeguard chair*
WIFE: not that high
Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?
Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.
Son: Dad, can we have the talk on how babies are made?
Me: Haha no way! I do not want to know!
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
the pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on a pair of corduroys.
12yo: imagine if cargo shorts existed as pants…
Me: they do, they’re called cargo pants
12yo: WHAT
Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.
My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that
Get you a man who isn’t really into movies: He’ll never know that sweet love note you wrote him is really just a series of lines from Field of Dreams.
date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall
I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?
[movie trailer]
IN A WORLD OF ANIMAL NOISES
*distant oinks and moo’s*
ONE OLD MAN KNEW THEM ALL
*dramatic music*
BUT BEFORE HE WAS A MAN
*slow piano music*
BEFORE HE HAD A FARM
*flying shot of rolling hills*
HE WAS…
*extreme close up*
YOUNG MACDONALD
[coming soon]
When I randomly walk into a room in my home and find my kids playing quietly together I slowly and silently back out like I’ve stumbled into a den of hungry velociraptors who by some miracle haven’t noticed me yet.
Employee: Sir you’ve been in that changing room for half an hour, what are you doing?
Me: *Crying* WAITING FOR IT TO WORK