Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.
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My 5-year-old loves pickles so much that I have to cut her off like she’s some drunk dude at a bar, “you’ve had enough, buddy.”
Gonna start lying about my age by adding 20 years so everyone tells me how good I look for my age.
The one time I order underwear from amazon, and they deliver it to the wrong house. Guess I’ll finally get to meet the neighbors
ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough
My text: Have a good day at school!
My son’s text: Thanks. I forgot to have you sign something. Can you show me how your signature looks.
Next time during church, stand up and ask your pastor “Have you ever turned down heroin?” Both Yes and No are equally entertaining answers.
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.
mathematically impossible
Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?
Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.
BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.
DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie.
Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.
Of course my summer body is ready, it’s the same as my winter body but sweatier.
Everyone on twitter: (already terrified all of the time)
Mashable: [promoted tweet] This cute new robot can shudder and squirm through the underside of a closed door and inject heart-stopping drugs from ten feet away! 😍
A: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
B: You mean a choir?
A: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
If you bring a child into a store and give that child a whistle, just know everyone in there will be a suspect in your murder.
[on phone]
me: honey I won some free tickets
wife: cool, for what?
me: speeding and resisting arrest
wife: never heard of them
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”
My son (11) was talking to his friends playing fortnite and I hear him say, “My mom is a big deal on the internet” to which one of the kids said, “Is she on Onlyfans?” And son said, “What’s that?” And other kid said, “Google it” and when I say I have never run so fast in my life
Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.
Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice
“Alexa, homeschool the children.”
A man suffered a heart attack at the drive thru. I quickly Macgyvered a pencil to his electric car & defibrillated him. I was that hungry.
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, ma’am.
Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.
Due to a recent incident I lost my job as the ‘CEO of Washing Dishes’ and got an internship as the ‘Head of Watching Brown Rice Boil’
Me: pick your poison….
Him: a margarita would be nice…
Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad
I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.