Cop: And how would you describe the assailant?
Me: I guess I’d start with hair, eye, and skin color. Probably height and weight next…
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Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’
Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.
My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.
Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms
Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia
Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you
Inflation has drastically altered what it means to say “I just ate $25 worth of Taco Bell”
lmao
I got up and made the bed today like someone who wasn’t going to get right back in and take a nap
That moment you are trying to figure out if you are Joey, Ross, or Chandler and you realize you’re Gunther.
It was cool when I taught my kid at 2yo to whisper, “your soul is mine” back to us.
It was cooler when she started whispering it to anyone she was introduced to.
The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.
My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.
I have a dream that one day I’ll be able to toss banana peels out of my car and not be judged as a litterer, but as a Mario Kart strategist.
I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.
*makes plans with someone*
(30 seconds later) what have I done
me: what’s your name?
alien: it cannot be pronounced by your earth tongue
me: is it jeff?
alien:
me:
alien: I didn’t know you could do j sounds it actua—it is jeff
Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?
I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.
Whenever I hear a lady in the next stall trying to unwrap a tampon as quietly as possible I yell, “HEY, IS THAT CANDY? CAN I HAVE SOME?”
Love is for stupid people who don’t have Twitter.
[ER: Goth Unit]
Nurse: Doctor, the patient is starting to smile
Doctor: God damnit NOT ON MY WATCH I WANT 500 CCS OF JOY DIVISION NOW
Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you’re having difficulty getting anything done, it’s usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.
Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
ME: I’d like to speak to your manager.
HOT DOG VENDOR: Are you serious?
I see: A clean house.
My kids see: A blank canvas.
6-year-old: Is it cold outside?
Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.
6: I should stay home.
[family picnic]
ME: *flipping brats on the grill*
WIFE: have you seen the kids
friend: I was named after my father
me: *aware of how time flows* correct
“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”
Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.