I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.
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teacher: where is your assignment?
me: my dog ate it-
[i see my dog standing outside the classroom window. he draws a line across his throat]
me: i mean there was a fire. a homework fire.
What I thought I was doing: Leaving my house for a girls’ afternoon at a local winery.
What I was actually doing: Explaining to my 5yo why he can’t call the police just because his dad asked him to pick up his Legos.
My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.
I’M MAKING A SECOND POT OF COFFEE, IF ANYONE WANTS ME TO PAINT THEIR HOUSE.
Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?
It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day
I don’t know, man. Climbing Mt Everest looks super boring and dumb. You just walk uphill and are cold. No thanks.
“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes
I donated my body to science but science regifted it to comedy.
conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy
Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate
Me: I got the buffet 🤭
<at a baptism>
*leans over*
Me:What’s the WiFi password?
Him:Jesus Christ, dude!
Me:That makes sense….is it case sensitive?
i’m no stephen hawking but i think
what happens is that they cancel
each other out
Tearfully waving out the train window as my girlfriend runs alongside
*45 minutes later*
She’s still keeping pace. It’s inhuman. Everyone on the train is screaming. I’m begging her to stop but she can’t hear me. Her eyes are pure white. Police helicopters circle overhead
Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using
Wow, you’ve got a lot of hickeys Kris.
Me: Busy weekend *winks
*remembers wrestling that octopus at the aquarium for giving me side eye.
Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind
DATE’S FATHER: if you could have dinner with anyone alive or dea-
ME: Launchpad McQuack
HIM: I don’t think you underst-
ME: Launch👏pad👏Mc👏Quack👏
[having sex with centaur]
ME: *man that fortune cookie was spooky accurate*
Whenever I start to feel old, I just remind myself I’m still young enough to play a teenager on Beverly Hills 90210.
[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*
The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.
Me: Whatcha doing on the PC?
Daughter: Looking at peckers.
M: WHAT?!?
D: Science project on chickens.
M: Oh.
D: You walked RIGHT into that.
Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.
Bacon causes cancer.
Canadian bacon apologizes.
Who is that walking up my driveway?!
Anxiety in 3…2…1…
[knock, knock]
*sigh*
“WAIT A SECOND!” *mumbles* “I need to find pants.”
[sheriff’s office]
me: we found a body in the woods but it’s decayed beyond recognition
deputy: can’t you identify it using dental records
me: ordinarily we would but the town dentist has been missing for over a month now
me: like taking candy from a-
giant baby: no no, please go on
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
My dog: PLAY WITH ME!
Me: *grabs toy*
My dog: not that one….. nope…..not that one either…hate that one…. never that one….what was the first one again?….still no….