How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
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Twin: ya know how we always-
Me: -finish each other’s sentences!
Prison Warden: VISITING TIME IS OVER
Twin: so I had an idea…
My toxic trait is checking my phone at 3am like there’s going to be something good waiting there.
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
A restaurant nearby was burglarized and concerned neighborhood residents awakened from sleep by the extra loud helicopter the police sent to deal with it are getting to the bottom of whether or not the restaurant’s food is good
[restaurant]
Me: I’m gonna run into their kitchen and grab some extra cheese
Her: … you definitely don’t have permission
Me: It’s actually pronounced parmesan
Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat
Me: coming to the office Xmas party?
Steve: no [whispers] Lisa just lost her father
Me: there’ll be like 50 of us there. We’ll help you look
[city marathon]
ME *handing out drinks to the passing runners*: DRINK?
RUNNER *grabs drink from me*: THANKS
ME *chasing*: SO WHAT ARE WE?
ME, in my 20s: Bro, if you bring chips, make sure you get the “Scarlet Viper Ghost Dragon Habanero Pepper” flavor! Whooo!
ME, now: Excuse me, young man, do you carry “A Timid Suggestion of Chive” chips? I have a prescription from my gastroenterologist.
Me: I need a doctor’s appointment
Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: No I don’t need that many
My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?
My body: I need to perspire.
Antiperspirant: The hell you do.
ME:You wanna come in?
VAMPIRE:Oh, can’t, vampire
M:Unless I invite you
V:Oh…you know about that
M:Yeah, you can-
V:It’s just…I’m super busy…
Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.
Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.
*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark
-me as a tattoo artist
my ex just blocked me on twitter but i’m not gonna text him to ask him why bc i’m mature, i respect his boundaries and also he’s already blocked my number.
[meeting at amc network]
“Okay so how can we make everyone in Walking Dead look like they smell even worse this season?”
Why didn’t I go pee earlier.
– My tombstone
Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.
INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?
ME: ope i thought it said preference
LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOO
All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.
Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?
Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest
Her: Good morning!
Me: So we are starting off the day with a lie?
4: I didn’t know lizards were cold
6:
4:
6: BLIZZards
I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…
HIM: We need to decide who to eat first as we’re stuck on this desert island
ME: Actually it’s a “deserted” island
H: Ok so that was easy
My kids are gathered around the Christmas tree to analyze the gifts. They carefully weigh and gently shake each box, then they put other things around the house into cardboard boxes and shake them for comparison. They’re getting too tactical this year…Santa’s in the crosshairs.