My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now
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[covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices]
Professor: “That’s just not what I meant when I said “come prepared”…”
Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok
A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he’s naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer
[first day as funeral director]
this is the dress she wants to be buried in
“It’s very pretty but we highly suggest a coffin”
Wife: Are you gonna wear that to the cookout?
Oh…
*reaches under mesh shirt*
*takes off nipple ring*Better?
I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.
Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.
KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed
[blind date]
JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers
HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet
JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers
My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.
One thing I have noticed about getting older is having to stop for a short nap halfway through scrolling down to my year of birth when completing online forms.
[jungle book]
bagheera: “you can’t fight him like a wolf, you’re NOT a wolf, fight him like a man”
mowgli: [writes a strongly worded e-mail]
Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.
google: please stop
me: more frogs with teeth
My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.
Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary
One spelling mistake and my wife is all upset. All I wrote was: Having a great time, wish you were her.
Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news
I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.
“I’m sorry. I haven’t had sex for a very long time.” — and other things I say during the meeting to excuse my bad behavior.
boss: can i talk to you in my office
me: anything you have to say to me [gesturing to emotional support alligator] you can say to phillip too
When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.
4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.
“Where you going, we’re in the middle of a conversation.”
OMG! This is just the middle.
Annnnnd that’s how the fight started.
For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.
When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.
GF told me she wanted to write her “biography” & I said “autobiography” & now there’s a chapter where I sleep at my place.
Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.
I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..
4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you?
Me: Marriage is complicated.
4: Is it because you’re stupid?
Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.