I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.
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Carl: Cold out night.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: NASA found LSD improved spiders’ ability to make webs.
Me: Fair enough.
Heyyyyyyyyyyyo lol 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😏🥴🤦♂️🤷♂️
If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.
*sees 54-year old on American Ninja Warrior*
Through a mouthful of ice cream, “I’ve got plenty of time.”
Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions
Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?
My Car would not run, neighbor said it was a problem with the stringy thing..Took it to a Quantum Mechanic and he disagreed w string theory
[first day in hell]
Me: oh is that a buffet of only gas station food?
Satan: *evil laughter* yes, and it’s all you shall ever eat for the rest of eternit—
Me: *already munching on a gas station taquito*
Each second of this is more amazing than the last
A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
I had a stalker once but he saw me eating soup
The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.
I’m sorry, I don’t have the energy to walk a mile in your shoes. I’m just going to go ahead & judge you.
Marriage counselor: and the puns?
Wife: he hasn’t made one in weeks. I think we’re going to make it
Me: *walking in with food glued on me* sorry I’m plate
North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.
me: my car makes a funny noise
mechanic: that’s the horn
A comb is the ultimate parting gift.
don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler
Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like I’m not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.
Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.
Hot chick at the bar just said that she’s gonna do something stupid tonight…
…I informed her that I only had a 1.75 GPA in high school.
[superman saves a kid by stopping a train mid track]
reporter: you just saved the kid by using your super strength to stop the train.
superman: yes, yes I did.
reporter: couldn’t you just have used super speed instead and moved the kid out of the way?
superman:
reporter:
MOM: I don’t care how old you are, you’ll always be my baby
ME [being passed around by her friends to hold] ok but this is weird, I need to get to work
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
Them: what part of your morning routine takes the longest ?
Me: finding the will to get up
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Well-seasoned Mom: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.
“What would you say is your greatest weakness?”
Probably my tendency to stalk and murder people who won’t hire me.
[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad: