Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.
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Me: If I had a nickel for every time a guy interrupted me, I’d-
Some guy: Be rich?
Me: -put them in a sock and hit you with it
20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
#winning
the other day a bartender told me his high school did a performance of RENT where they couldn’t say AIDS so all the characters had diabetes
I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.
I just listened to an great session on “Designers and Gyaan” hosted by @dharmeshba. It provokes a lot of good questions. I can’t help but contrast this with academia. In academia, I get the teaching/speaking opportunities based on how well I “publish.” Many professionals, 1/n
I am not “living in fear”, I am “making reasonable efforts to not get COVID again because the first time I had it I ran a fever so high that I briefly met God and got to ask Him about His favourite wing sauce”, hope this helps
Lying to stupid people can give you a profound sense of satisfaction, it can also make you president.
if I eat the entire box of girl scout cookies at once then I’ll only hate myself one time instead of each time I eat them do the math sweetie
I don’t push people away, I just do the Macarena
Me: Go to bed
4-year-old: But I have questions!
Me: You’re stalling
4: I need to know!
Me: What?
4: What if I meet a talking doughnut?
I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return
The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.
GOD: no work on the sabbath or I’ll kill you
ISRAEL [hasn’t had a day off in 400 years]: awesome!
GOD: what
ISRAEL: we mean…oh no so hard
Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
My biggest regret to date is probably never telling Kary C, Kerri B, Cari R and Kerry L from 4th grade that their names were spelled wrong..
The “bangles to politicians” insult says “come be weak like women because the weak wear bangles”. No thanks, “self-proclaimed real men”.
Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?
To everyone who received a file from me named myjunk.jpg: I thought I was sending you a photo of my garage sale. I am so, so sorry.
What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control
Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.
– an early draft
I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.
As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
[Leaving bar]
GF: You okay to drive?
Me: I’m fine.
GF: You FEEL okay, but what would you blow?
M: 2 guys, tops.
GF:
M:
GF:
M: What?
Me: Is this birdcage made out of nickel?
Pet Store: Aluminum I think
Me: So there’s no nickel in this cage?
Pet Store: Don’t you dare!
Me: It’s a nickleless cage
Pet Store: GET OUT!
Son: I’m addicted to morphing
Dad: Oh God no, are you smoking it, injecting it?
Son: No Dad,not Morphine
Dad: what?
Son: *turns into bat
Wife: I hate it when romance novels say the guy “explored her body.” What’s he going to do, plant a flag? “I claim this booty for England!”