Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.
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If a tree falls on your ex in the woods and no one’s around to hear it, you should probably still get rid of the chainsaw.
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?
Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’
“I think it might be time to cut back on the energy drinks, Elliott.”
Why there can’t be an Indian Breaking Bad.
Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”
Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking
If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.
[harry potter, college edition]
Voldemort: the boy who lived, come t-
Harry: yeah yeah just kill me already
Voldemort: wh-what
Harry: i’m $100k in debt and i have a masters in communications
Voldemort: *giggling* on second thought nevermind
had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next
Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
N – necessary
A – adult
P – procedure
{Favorite Halloween Prank at Walmart}
Old Lady: Your son is adorable
4 yr. old: *running down aisles*
Me: Mam’ My son died 10 years ago.
Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.
You spin me right round, baby, right round…
~ my Roomba at night probably
Thoughts while driving:
-Hope that light stays green.
-Hope it stays yellow.
-Hope no one saw me run that red light.
Went for a handshake and got snubbed. So I turned it into an impromptu Macarena dance, since I didn’t wanna look stupid
me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof
friend: oof
me: pretty much
[first date]
HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?
ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.
HER:
I am HOWLING at this
Food bloggers could post a recipe for ice and it’d still be 3 pages long.
My wife calls it “silent treatment”. I call it “attractive disagreement period”.
Storm about to blow in, very windy, out in my yard talking to neighbor
Neighbor: *talking, shifts*
Me: *shifts, too, talking*
N: *moves, keeps talking*
M: *moves, too, keeps talking*
N: Why are you copying me? Wait…Are you using me to block the wind?
Me: Yes
N: *laughing*
5 cats in this house and not one will ride the Roomba WHAT A JOKE.
as a non-catholic, i gotta say, christmas mass is a WILD ROLLER COASTER RIDE, sometimes the priest sing-talks in a muppet voice, sometimes everyone kneels except you, they do the secret club criss cross applesauce thing, a SURPRISE BELL rings sometimes, twists and turns abound
*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*
A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.
Them: awwww just let those dishes go, mama! They’ll get done eventually! Spend every second with your babies, it’s so fleeting 🥰
Me, industriously taking notes: Sounds great. What time should I expect the Dish Fairy to arrive