Doctor 1: burrowing mites under the skin is pretty gross, but how do we make it sound even grosser?
Doctor 2: let’s call it scabies
Doctor 1: YES!! done
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TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
I’m the only woman at this baby shower who doesn’t have a baby. They better ooh and aah over my bassinet of deviled eggs.
little kids always bringing toys with them and start talkin bout “can u hold this for me.” no i cant. thats ur shit. u only been alive a few years and ur already making enemies
ME: We’re adopting a baby!
FRIEND: Congrats! Will you need my old baby gate?
ME: [considers summoning a baby] Nah, we’ll get one from this dimension
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
ME, in my 20s: Bro, if you bring chips, make sure you get the “Scarlet Viper Ghost Dragon Habanero Pepper” flavor! Whooo!
ME, now: Excuse me, young man, do you carry “A Timid Suggestion of Chive” chips? I have a prescription from my gastroenterologist.
If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.
Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…
If empaths don’t exist then explain how we know so much. For instance I can tell right now that you’re frustrated with me and you think I’m stupid
Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.
Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.
I asked my 4-year-old to pick up her toys and she hissed at me like an angry cat. Do I approach the hissing child? Do I let it be? Idk what to do. The parenting books don’t talk about this.
So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.
“if anyone has reason why this man and this woman should not be wed speak now or forever hold your peace”
*voice in back*
does he even lift?
[montage of me giving-up]
chumbawumba: i get knocked down, but i get up again
jesus: ok yes
You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.
Me, parenting my kids 10 years ago: We don’t hit each other. We use our words.
Me, parenting teens now: Please take it outside if you’re going to kill your brother. I just cleaned.
Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home
The amount of cream cheese I smear on a bagel when I’m dining out is VERY different than when I’m at home. Alone. With my tub of cream cheese.
[hospital]
me: what happened
doctor: you were in a terrible car accident
me: am i going to be ok
doctor: yes, thankfully the force of the impact was absorbed by the stack of airbag recall notices on your dashboard
Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.
A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.
My older daughter lives in a constant state of incredulity because everything she hears is “the dumbest thing [she’s] ever heard.”
[before horsepower was invented]
car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons
[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Sandy
4. Hand Jive
5. Ramalamalamadingadadingedong
– Five Stages of Grease
when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak