*Whispers in random chicks ear
“I have pizza in the van”
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My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it
Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Me: Our baby cries all night
Doctor: That’s quite normal
Baby: ALL NIGHT
Doctor: Holy shit
What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore
me: I’m going to the store to get bread
wife: if they have eggs, buy a dozen
[later]
wife: did they have eggs?
me: *carrying 12 loaves of bread* yes
Wife: Did u load the dishw-
Me: [slowly turning into a dog]
Wife: you can’t just animorph your way out of every argu–aww who’s a good boy?!
Not to barg, but I majored in illiteracy.
Dracula is actually one of the funniest books of all time. Jonathan Harkness shows up at Dracula’s castle, Dracula’s like “hey could you write like five letters to your fiance in advance that say you’re fine” and Jonathan is like “weird, but yes absolutely”
Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.
“I bet you’re sexy & not creepy at all. Send me a selfie.”
*sends 5 second video of myself staring and smiling*
Choose your pet name wisely because you’ll be yelling it out in your neighborhood if you lose them.
*uses falsetto voice*
MR. SMOOCHES!!
I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a hairless cat.
[after robots take over]
*drones crash into my kitchen*
ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me?
*fridge starts laughing*
BUT U WERE MY FABRIT
God: NOAH.
Noah: Yes Lord?
God: Where are the land sharks, flying spiders and the jumping snakes?
Noah: Oh nooooo, did I forget those?
They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere
Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store
Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I’m not here.
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
Me: I have to go to a funeral.
Her: Oh, I’m so sorry. Who died?
Me: One of my clients… It’s a business funeral, not a pleasure funeral.
I waitress because if I don’t get screamed at twice a day about condiments, I don’t feel like I have put in an honest days work.
A geneticist’s refrigerator has a CRISPR drawer
i will not be silenced
*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*
God: you’re a parrot.
Parrot: ok.
God: you can repeat everything you hear.
Parrot: humans are the worst.
God: uh what?
Parrot: i’ll prolly kill them in a flood soon.
God:
Parrot:
God: what’s it gonna take to keep this quiet?
Parrot: I wanna live in a tropical paradise.
They say white people don’t have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else.
For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.