If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.
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Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts
Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts
“Get a load of this guy!”- Receptionist at a sperm bank.
ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile
CELLMATE: no
My cat feels the need to give herself an entire bath after I touch her.
So yeah, I know a thing or two about creeping someone out.
Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course
[wakes up & turns to wife]
“I had a nightmare. You died.”
“Aw. It was just a-”
“Let me finish. You died & I had to make my breakfast.”
According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
Kids today will never know what it’s like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.
if the moon landing really happened then where did the moon land?? i don’t see it anywhere you think you’d notice it i mean it’s at least 5, 6 feet wide
They say kill ’em with kindness but it’s much quicker if you just take their phone charger away.
Me: you should join Twitter.
Them: I don’t even like people.
Me: then you’re gonna love it.
You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.
MY TOP 2 FEARS OF BEING ON A SHIP
2. Being framed by pirates for a crime I didn’t commit and then being forced to walk the plank
1. Being informed while on the plank that pirates don’t operate a traditional legal system, leaving me with no legal recourse for an appeal hearing
Every husband sings this song 😂🤣😂 🤣😂🤣
The ending is priceless 😆😆😆
Video Credit: Jason Chen Music
May you never lose your sense of wonder.
My opponent would have you believe I wear a tinfoil hat to block government mindreaders. I wear it to pretend I am from space. No questions
Before I take a shower: I hate it in there, the wet world is a bad place
While in the shower: I remember now that this is a good place, it is the dry world that is the enemy
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
-Babe, I can’t find the condom, what if we don’t use it?
-Sure, I’m ready to be a mother anyways.
-No, no. Look, I found it!
Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby
Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.
H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]
I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.
[High school reunion]
Hey guys! Remember me!?
“No”
How about now? *puts an entire toilet on my head*
(in unison) CHRIS!
Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…
Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.
Her: Have you seen my glue gun?
Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.
I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.