My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.
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sorry but how is it “unclear” how many horses are loose, kicking about town rn? surely they know how many horses they started with and how many they currently have? seems like a fairly simple subtraction situation to me
A guy I know was flirting with the cashier, and she ignored him. When he said “How about a thank you?” She leaned toward him, and said “It’s printed on your receipt.”
Never play hide-and-seek with a 4yo in the mall. I know that now.
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
I love hot cross buns. There should be more cakes inspired by the death penalty.
Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?
I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids
I saw God in a dream and all he did was brag about making Pedro Pascal
Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.
Me, in my bathroom looking at a medication that was made by a company that went out of business in 2007: I can find a use for this.
My wife insists on buying our daughter the expensive, growth hormone free milk. So there goes any chance she’ll ever have of being an X-Men.
Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?
Flight attendant: I need you to sit
They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.
Ever listened to 90s R&B lyrics?
Sex you up?
Licky boom-boom down?
No wonder none of us know what the hell were doing in relationships
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
There’s so many streaming services and shows I just make shit up to recommend to my friends. You gotta watch Red Water on Home Depot Plus. It’s incredible. They just go “yeah I’ll check that out” like we all do when we know we won’t.
All I’m saying is, I’ve never seen my Ex and Satan in the same room together.
Morbius is the highest grossing Morbius movie to DATE!
Dress for the job you want to sleep at
[Pharrell eating at Arby’s]
“I want a new look”
Like a new hair cut?
“Something crazier”
*notices the hat in the Arby’s logo*
“I’ve got it!”
[first day as a pilot]
This is your captain speaking, in the event of cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling and untangling them will annoy you before you die.
I knew a guy who came so fast it traveled through time, like he’d squeeze one boob and the jizz splattered my mom in 1955
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?
I bet you’ll watch the cell phone camera footage of this concert for years & remember the fun you had holding up a cell phone at a concert.
me: what’s your biggest turnoff
her: noisy people
me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same
That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.
My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting
Robin: “Please?”
Batman: “No.”
“It’s prom!”
“You can’t drive the Batmobile!”
Alfred: “Can I? It’s Bingo night.”
Batman: *tosses keys*
Me: Table for four, please. And can we get some crayons?
Her: Will there be children dining today?
Me: No. The crayons are for me.