The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua
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Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit
Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one
my kids are suddenly asking why the leprechaun didn’t bring them anything or cause any chaos in our house and apparently me yelling “we aren’t Irish!!” isn’t a good enough explanation?
Just a reminder that you’re not allowed to hit your coworkers. Even if they’re stupid.
I asked.
Twice.
Asked a Target employee if I could open this camera before I buy it and he said he wouldn’t even care if I killed someone in front of him.
Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
10 just informed me that exercising releases inner-dolphins. If that’s not a reason to exercise, then I don’t know what is.
[ER]
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
DOC:…
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.
Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!
Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby
I wish Bill Clinton would stop pointing his finger at everyone, Lord knows where that finger has been. #DNC #DirtyPoonTang
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HEYYYY MACARENA
“2:00! Are you ready for the movie?!?” my son asked. I was not, I told him, not even close. His mom had taught him to tell time. He had taught himself to set the alarm on his watch. But it would be up me to teach him the critical difference between AM and PM.
Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.
People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.
I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.
Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no
Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.
Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.
Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.
HR: Well?
Me: it was a surprisingly good slingshot
HR:
Me: I didn’t know the eraser would hit him in the eye
HR:
Me: can I have my bra back?
After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.
People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.
THEM: are you willing to take a drug test
ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down
[meeting]
DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI
PRODUCER: Yes!
D: A huge cast
P: Agreed!
D: Realistic family photos
P: We don’t have the budget
lady: omg your puppy is so cute whats his name
me: laser guardian
My 3yo just reminded ME to wash my hands after we got home so if anything good were to come out of this pandemic it’s that we’re raising a less gross genera- ope never mind he just ate a booger
If Spiderman really did whatever a spider can, he’d scare the shit out of women and get his ass kicked with a flip-flop.
Pineapples are grown in South America. They’re picked, washed, quality checked, sorted by size, packed, shipped then driven from the destination port to your local grocer and somehow that process seems easier than getting my laundry done.
Just yelled, “I will EAT you!” out my window in a fit of road rage, so that was new.
#TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay
Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese