Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)
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[Gender reveal party]
Me: I don’t get it. Are they having a Smurf?
Wife: Shutup and eat your cake.
Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos
DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
[cat potluck]
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, that’s just great
She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.
My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth… their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
some cats are just doing for fun!
I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.
All underwear is edible if you aren’t a coward
Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.
MILEY CYRUS: I never went boatin’ and don’t get how they be floatin’
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: [slowly rising from the ocean] buoyancy
I don’t think the church is going to let me pick music for the bible group again. In my defense, the band name “Lamb of God” is misleading.
CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS
Me: “Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep…”
The Lord: “You still have that?”
[my sister, discussing her two-year-olds]: yeah they haven’t yet realized that if they don’t eat breakfast, they’ll be in a horrible mood later
[me, just realizing my bad mood was caused by skipping breakfast]: yeah….idiot babies
God: you’re a coyote.
Coyote: ok! what street did you grow up on?
God: Heavenly Way.
Coyote: what about your first pets name?
God: Sprinkles : )
Coyote: awww last four of your social?
God: 0001, why?
Coyote: no reason.
[later]
Coyote: [to Acme] I wanna buy rocket skates.
If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $1 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst anniversary gifts ever.
Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?
lmfao come on
Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No
Boss: If you fall asleep again today, I’ll fire you
Me: ok
Boss: Now go and do the sheep inventory
Me: oh no
That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!
Reason to wake up early in the day:
THE EARLY BIRD GETS THE WORMReason to wake up later in the day:
THE EARLY WORM GETS EATEN
The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.
Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.