If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
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searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do
I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.
At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit
*first day as medical examiner*
Me: What killed him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And h– let me guess, cancer?
Dr: Nope. Sagittarius
Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.
Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.
*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*
how are there low birth rates when everyone here is a big baby
Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?
[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s
Cyberman: I am allergic to gold.
Elf: I’m allergic to iron.
Cyberman: I’m made of iron.
Elf: I can make gold appear at my fingertips.
Cyberman:
Elf:
Cyberman: We should probably stop seeing each other.
“Ive fallen ill with Coronavirus”
-panic inducing
-everyone will think you don’t wash your hands“I’ve been coronated”
-not as scary
-are you royalty?
-can I borrow your crown?
-you can’t probably marry a celebrity now
FRIEND: what r u watching
ME: unsolved mysteries
FRIEND: so just mysteries?
ME: [taking bite of edible food] i’m not sure what u mean
The toughest part of dating a doctor would be how they’re always 45 mins late for dates because the 7 dates they had before yours went long.
BATMAN: Thanks for filling in while Robin is away.
MOTHMAN: *Just repeatedly flying into the bat signal*
20’s: You can eat whatever you want.
30’s: Just two slices of pizza. You’re watching your weight.
40’s: You gained four pounds watching an Olive Garden commercial.
When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.
a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!
Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.
White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:
“I shan’t even”
My 72 year-old mother just informed me she is going to her first “sex party” and doesn’t know what to bring.
After some delicate questioning, “Gender Reveal, Mom. It’s called a Gender Reveal.”
My cat yells at me like she’s my mother.
I’m saving myself for marriage.
Sorry, FROM. Saving myself FROM marriage.
TRICERATOPS: I have three horns
QUINCEANERATOPS [proudly]: I’m fifteen
I have 15,000 pencils, but I don’t remember buying any. Also, I don’t have a pencil sharpener, so none of them work.
Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one
Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors
“Hey Barack”
“yes Joe?”
“I bet T-Rex’s took terrible selfies”
“Ok Joe”
“Because they had…”
“Short arms Joe, yes. I get it. I get it buddy”
The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.
wife: We really need to start teaching 9 some manners
me: *shoving an entire Pop-Tart in my mouth and spitting crumbs everywhere* I agree