Who called it emotional baggage and not griefcase
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me when my friends ask me to look after their kids
Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs
Every morning after I get up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.
#HatDadJoke
At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?
the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.
Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…
Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?
Nephew: It matches your face!
Me: 😳😳
Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…
Him: Steve…my name is Steve.
Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
Ignoring your kids has become so easy thanks to smart phones. My poor dad spent 18 years staring blankly into space pretending not to hear any question I ever asked, and I don’t know if I’d have that same level of commitment.
I thought I heard a noise last night so I got my bat and crept into the kitchen just to find out it was my own stomach grumbling.
[4:30am]
ME: *shifts slightly in bed*
DOG: *races across house* IS IT TIME TO GO OUT NOW?
We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
Can I have your parents’ phone number? I really need to inquire how you came to be 45 and don’t know that the “$” goes BEFORE the numbers.
No matter how handsome/beautiful you are, your passport picture or ID card will always find ways to humble you
I’m in my late 40s raising a teenage son, tween son and toddler daughter of course my house is basically a frat house with glitter
If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient
Hide her markers
And wait…
My 7YO is either very shy in front of people, or she’s already given them our social security numbers
There were no dating apps in the 1950s. You just crashed a pyramid of water skiing girls into a pyramid of water skiing guys and hoped for the best.
Killing an albatross won’t bring bad luck to sailors, but that is exactly the sort of thing an albatross would go around telling people.
I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
8yo nephew: so how does it feel when you’re drunk?
Me: Oh it’s awful! You get dizzy and your head spins so fast from the slap you might get if you touch my booze.
Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection
What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.
Welcome to your 40s. Time moves much faster now. Welcome to your 50s
you have three unread messages
A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.
VERY ANNOYED. My enemy keeps playing Hulk Hogan’s theme song b4 I enter rooms. People then expect Hulk Hogan & are disappointed when it’s me