Donald be careful.
Donald watch out.
Donald look both ways.
Donald Duck!
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Magician: Abracadabra!
[cloud of smoke as woman volunteer disappears]
Husband (stands up): YES! …I mean, noooo. *quietly sits down*
wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel
Don’t donate your plasma. It’s a big scam and they’re just using it to make TVs.
Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.
This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*
Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)
My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.
Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks
Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses
*at Pearly Gates
Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark
St. Peter: Mittens, I said no
Made some terrible life choices the last few years.
Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.
Halfway through my stand-up routine I started getting heckled. The crowd shouted such insults as “This sucks” and “Stop it” and “Why are you doing this to us, Mom?”
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
mechanic: it looks like something was repeatedly shoved in and out of the tailpipe?
optimus prime: haha, I wouldn’t—I don’t know anything about that
Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa’s “push it” and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.
[creating scorpions]
satan: hey god, can I borrow that lobster for just a second
My 3yo was giving me a checkup and put the stethoscope on my stomach. She asked if I could hear the heartbeat, and I just got up and left. Heartbeat in my stomach? Smh ain’t nobody got time for that.
I ordered side dishes from Cracker Barrel to take to my mom’s for Thanksgiving and when I asked if they would be hot at pick-up the lady said, “Are you taking to someone’s house? Bc it’s going to say Cracker Barrel on the pan so bring dishes.”
Good God that’s customer service.
Mom: here comes the plane!
Baby: *seinfeld voice* what’s the DEAL with airplane food!?
and now we wait
netflix: do you want a more interactive viewing experience?
me: no i want to look at my phone with background noise
netflix: here’s choose-your-own-adventures
me: absolutely not
netflix: DECIDE IN 3 SECONDS
me: this is my worst nightmare
When I get old, I’m going to buy a monster costume to terrorize people for own personal gain, like a Scooby-Doo villain.
He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.
He’s a stable genius.
if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance
First airplane parts store: The customer is always Wright
Me: I’ve completed a psychological profile on myself.
Brain: What have we learned?
Me: I need to stop talking to myself or wear a Bluetooth device on my walks.
Brain: Will this help to keep people from staring at you?
Me: Maybe wear clothes too.
Why the hell do they call it fruit punch, like where do they get “punch” fr..
*gets knocked out by a grapefruit*
My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.
The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in