It sucks that crazy people ruined wearing tinfoil hats for those of us that just did it for fashion purposes
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priest: richer or poorer sickness and in health?
her: I do
*clears my throat*
priest: and if he wanted a boston terrier or take singing lessons?
TORTURER: I’m gonna water-board you
ME: Haha sure, bet you haven’t even got enough water
TORTURER: *takes Tupperware out of the dishwasher*
ME: Shit
If I won the lottery, I wouldn’t go nuts. Probably buy some printer ink, and with what was left over, maybe an avocado.
80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.
It’s kind of cool when athletes exchange jerseys after a game but trying this with your doctor after a prostate exam isn’t the same, so he said.
“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
I’d like to give a shout-out to the shower curtain, for always sticking by my side
“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack
Medical form: Height?
Me: It depends on whether I’m wearing my hair in a man bun.
Medical form: Sex?
Me: Not since I started wearing my hair in a man bun.
Badminton implies the existence of a more sinister sport: Goodusedoff
I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.
ME: *catches the bouquet* Yes! I’m next, losers! Haha!
SOME RELATIVE: This is a strange funeral reception.
“Your under arrest!”
No, YOU’RE under arrest
*police looks around points to himself & mouths ‘me’*
Yeah you.
*he tosses me cop car keys*
My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.
I just found out my twin brother and I were switched at birth.
The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.
Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.
[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this
“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]
I prefer my cornbread like I do my jokes: Corny and on the dry side.
The 5 most important things to teach my kids:
1. be honest
2. show respect
3. be true to yourselves
4. be kind & generous
5. be humble
6. to count
Guy: Why does everyone call you “Gross Gary”?
Gary: [filling a canteen with hotdog water] Nobody calls me that.
I’m thankful my wife harvested over $100,000 in potatoes on Farmville while I ate a grilled cheese for dinner & am sleeping on dirty laundry
I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.
I wish Gordon Ramsay would get one tattoo so I could take him seriously as a chef.
Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.