but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time
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I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.
[heaven]
ME: so about those footprints…
GOD: footprints?
ME: from when you carried me
GOD: wasn’t me
ME: well then who—
GOD: *shivers* that’s some spooky shit
my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy
Tried to pull up my long sleeve but my fingers slipped and I punched myself in the chest. My husband really hit the jackpot.
Babies invented being in a bad mood for no reason, and they continue to innovate in the field
Fall semester: kid leaves for college for the first time, how will I live without you?
Spring Break: HOW DID I EVER LIVE WITH YOU?
Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?
What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us
Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.
A North Carolina school has removed its bathroom mirrors to stop kids from making TikToks. Ooh, you were so close, they actually do them with their phones.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad*
Me: Dad’s in the garage.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad but louder now*
Purchased the e-book version of Infinite Jest like an idiot and had to make do.
just got an email from HR that there will be no winners for the quarterly employee appreciation award because everyone who was nominated in the last three months has quit
A new study finds that sausages are often linked to other sausages
Stages of Candle Burning
1: this smells nice
2: still smells nice
3: this is all I can smell now
4: this is the only scent I have ever known
one time I bought a cd and i thought the guy was going to say ‘have a good night’ but he said ‘do you have a favourite band’ and I said ‘you too’ and then I had to stand and pretend to know about Bono for five minutes while holding a Shania twain album I bought for my mom
I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.
You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
me: I want a tattoo
tattoo artist: where?
me: how about over there on that chair
tattoo artist: no, where on your body?
me: on my skin, dude
tattoo artist: this is not funny
My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.
My watch battery is fully charged.
So I got some time
Make sure to tell remind your boss that you need to leave work tomorrow a few hours early, so that everyone will think that you have Valentine’s plans.
I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.
Pro tip:
Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there
“i acknowledge that i have read and agree to the above terms and conditions”
I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, “Are you the opposite sex, or am I.”
[at restaurant]
Me: “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse”Wife: “I’m the same”
Horse family at next table: *just sitting very still*
Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.