Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…
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Marriage license: Contractual agreement to laugh at your spouse’s same three bad jokes for life.
ME: I dislike myself
THERAPIST: That’s quite common
ME: Really?
THERAPIST: Yes, for example, I don’t like you
3yo: Why do we have a room just for the toilet and the bath?
Me: So people can have privacy when they’re going to the bathroom or taking a shower.
3yo: Why would someone want that?
I think I’m beginning to understand the root of much of our disconnect.
Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard
George Michael: I hope you like it
me: *opening gift* oh… your heart, umm… you shouldn’t have
[the very next day]
me: does anyone want this, I’m just giving it away
It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic
No, I would NEVER put you on mute
Dog owner: oh, don’t worry, he’s friendly! He loves people! He’s just a big old softie angel baby and he would never hurt a fly
Cat owner: he’s a literal monster. Try not to make eye contact with him or otherwise upset him. He will literally eat your face and then LAUGH about it
[first guy to be sent to hell]
guy: so it’s just you and me?
satan: yup
guy: damn
satan: *kicks rock with cloven hoof* yup
guy: i really hope more shitty people die soon
satan: *sigh* yup
If I learned anything from Peter Pan, it’s that I can leave my dog to watch my kids while I go out and party.
Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.
Me: Did you pull off your Barbie’s head?
4-year-old: No.
Me: Then where’d it go?
4: She sneezed and it exploded.
Sounds legit.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
Felony is a beautiful name for a girl
Huge, if true.
Batman: Put the gun down NOW.
Joker: Say please. Didn’t mommy teach you any mann… Oh right, she couldn’t.
Batman: SON OF A…
Joker: Dead mom?
First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.
He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.
*1st day as a human*
Alien: I did one of those poop things
Alien 2: And?
A: The corn we ate was there
A2: So?
A: Intact. Unbroken. Even though I chewed it up
A2: *unzipping human disguise* Call Mother Ship. We’re outta here
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”
I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.
If by loaded the dishwasher you mean did I just take eleven shots of tequila, then yes, the dishwasher is loaded
The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????
Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???
a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions
Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth
Captain: Did you break the sonar again?
Me: Yessir. I’m sorry
Captain: This is why we can’t have nice pings
Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.