My husband sure has a lot of opinions on which movie he’s gonna sleep through.
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I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”
When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…
*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*
General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.
Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!
Everyone has something they believe in.
I believe in drinking before noon.
Him: do you have a pen?
Me: yes. (walks away)
[creepy mansion]
ME: That portrait is watching us
MAN: No way
ME: [goes right up to portrait] I’m vegan
PORTRAIT: [rolls eyes]
ME: I knew it
you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van
As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.
Boss: You’ve really raised the bar around here.
Me: Thank you.
Boss: The customers can’t reach their drinks you moron.
Cop: Admit it! You killed that family
Murderer: You can’t prove anything…
Cop: You know, you’re actually called “Murderer” in this thing
Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.
Me: how
Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir
Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!
This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.
Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.
WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?
ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best
W: How long until they go to bed?
ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds
Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.
[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
“I’ve invented the toaster”
SADISTIC CEO: What number toasts it perfectly?
“2”
SC: ok make it *cries with laughter* make it go up to 8
Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.
We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.
My ex claimed I had a ‘hero’ complex, but whatever I think wearing my underwear on the outside of my pants is a bold & brave fashion choice
Is my bath bomb supposed to be ticking?
One time I overheard my coworker answer a question with ‘I don’t know, I was in Prague’ so that’s my go to now whenever I don’t have the answer to a question.
Working on a new catchphrase. I’m workshopping “That really butters my baboon!” and “THAT’ll put a meatloaf in your mailbox!”
They’re testing equally well (nobody likes them)
Someone once told me I can’t say I hate camping if I’ve never been camping but I’ve never been stabbed in the eye and I can say with 100% certainty I would hate it so how’s this any different
Apparently Red Cross won’t let you donate blood if you bring it in a Coke bottle. That squirrel died for nothing.
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “Uhm… she didn’t like me.”