Boss: this project is moving along at a snail’s pace!!
*silence*
Todd the snail: This is bullshit
*spends 3hrs storming out of meeting*
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eighth henchman to go after jackie chan: ok well he’s not going to kick EIGHT of us
*holding 7 steak knives*
DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU
Sees Sasquatch’s foot impression in the ground.
Grand Duke: I’d hate to see the creature that’s attached to.
Prince Charming clutching huge glass slipper: crap
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.
My wife and children normally go to bed around 8:45. I do not. My house is very quiet and I am able to get a lot of work done while they’re sleeping.
About a minute ago, I turned around in my office just as my wife was coming to say hello.
I am ashamed of the scream I made.
me: do you have anything for dry skin?
pharmacist: aloe.
me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.
Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”
Does your wife know you’re single?
He asked why I put my stick figures on my dash, not the bumper.
I had to explain that it was an actual photo of my relatives.
The cashiers at the liquor store really need to start asking me for ID again. I’m not a fan them studying my fine lines above my mask like they’re the Da Vinci code before ultimately deciding I’m an old.
Back in 2012 my wife & I were the victims of a horrific & terrifying home invasion that left us mentally scarred & unable to sleep. But our daughter’s 5 now & we’ve actually grown quite fond of her.
My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.
It’s been a weird day so I’m shaving my eyebrows off.
i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
Pilgrim 1: God blessed us with a new world, but now what do we do for our starving families?
Pilgrim 2: Let’s put belt buckles on our hats.
I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.
Shopping online and betting on which shipments arrive by the estimated delivery dates because I don’t feel like going to a casino to lose money.
tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light
Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts
How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it
My laptop is like my sex life, the data is corrupted.
A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.
Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.
the icebreaker
Server: Want one of our famous milkshakes?
Me: Well, I saw your yard and it was empty.
Server: Huh?
Me: No boys.
Server: Huh?
Me: No thanks.
saying “we won” after watching a sports game is like saying “we played really well” after watching a concert
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
[out to eat with in-laws]
Me: Waiter, your cheapest bottle of champagne
Wife: Hey these are my parents
Me: Waiter, 4 glasses of tap water