6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
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ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David
Me: “The doctor said to gargle with salt water when you have a sore throat.”
Kid: “Do we even *have* salt water at home?”
Me: “Oh, boy.”
Now I’m trying to see if I can hear the ocean
– me, as a gynecologist
I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
This Thanksgiving, take a break from arguing with people online and do it in person.
me: babe watch me flip this omelette!
her: cool
me: now watch me kick flip this omelette!!
her: sick!!!
Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning
I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.
*spraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaays Axe body spray*
~ guys with ponytails
Almost broke up with my therapist on the spot when she said she had never seen Ratatouille. How could she possibly help me she knows nothing
“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*
Asked my 6-year-old what she wants for Christmas and she said “a toy chicken that’s taller than Anthony” so now I can’t even finish my shopping until I track down this Anthony and find out how tall he is. Why can’t she just want a bike?
Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.
* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.
Him: Hey
Me: *flashes box of super tampons*
Me: I know it hurts, but you’ll learn to love again.
Sheep: I don’t know. I can’t even look at ewe right now.
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree
Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you
Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically
I still have a landline…
or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder
Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.
Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: I said no.
Me: Is it just me…
Everyone: Yes. GOD, YES!
Me: I hadn’t actually finished my question 🙁
My tattoos aren’t braille, so do not sneak up to me & begin to feel them.
Unless you’re hot, then you get the secret taste option.
[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish
For the past 3 years I’ve been playing this hilarious game where I steal pajamas from women I sleep with. So far I’ve acquired a total of 0 pajamas.
I’m getting mixed signals from this girl first she is like “sorry I’m married” then it’s “leave me alone I’m married” I mean which is it
Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.
*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*
When I recently asked a 9 year-old about his experience with the tooth fairy, he explained that there is no tooth fairy, and:
‘Your parents take the tooth out from under your pillow, and god knows what they do with it.’