[concert]
lead singer: HOW WE DOING TONIGHT, INDIANAPOLIS?!?
me, from the back of the venue: I DROVE IN FROM A NEIGHBORING SUBURB SO I DON’T FEEL COMFORTABLE ANSWERING FOR THOSE LIVING IN THE ACTUAL CITY!
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*walks into work with massive bruise on cheek*
Co-worker: omg what happened
Me: *thinks back to dropping phone on my face* uh, mugged
My 5yo just told me that she likes my singing best when she can’t hear it.
I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV
Me: goodnight moon
Warren Moon: how did you get in my house?
The movie ‘Up’ is utter bullshit. I tied 57,000 balloons to my house & my wife didn’t die.
When I find a bruise,
5% of the time I wonder “how the hell did I get that?”
95% of the time I press it to see if it hurts
I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation
Being an adult
Pros)You can eat anything you want
Cons)You can’t eat anything you want
I know it might seem cruel, but unless you’ve lived through the horror of a sheep infestation, you couldn’t possibly understand.
Me: whaddu mean “no”
Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”
How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*
My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.
everyone has that one prude friend
If I were a serial killer, I’d hide the bodies of my victims in a cave that I’d affectionately call “The cadavern”.
Yeah yeah that virtual reality stuff is all fun & games til your flailing teen accidentally takes out a light fixture.
You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.
My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.
if I wasn’t supposed to grow up to want a sugar daddy why did we base an entire holiday around a much older man bringing me presents for being a good girl
An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.
I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.
Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.
CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby
I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”
I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”
*gets arrested
*mug shot posted
*waits for modeling contract
At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.
Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*
[puts a tub of Blue Bell in the cart]
Ma’am, did you hear there was a recall? That could be deadly.
[slowly puts second tub in cart]
her: what do you want?
me: to pay for my sins
her: this is a McDonald’s drive thru
me: I mean to pay for my McSins