My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”
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my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?
“I’ll have a rum and coke”
Is pepsi ok?
“Sure whatever”
*hands you a pepsi and coke*
me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man
that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.
If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?
@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor
Monkey: What is this amazing fruit
Other Monkey: they’re bananas
Monkey: I know I like them too but what are they called
My daughter pulled on her pullover and a years worth of ketchup packets fell out.
“What’s all that?”
“You told me to get ready to go!”
“Where do you think we’re going that you need all that ketchup?”
“I think I’m going somewhere where they won’t have enough.”
Fair enough kid.
*T-Rex stubs his toe*
OUCH I’M SO MAD. JUST… MAD. I’M…“Angry? Agitated? Irritated? Anno-”
SHUT UP THESAURUS NO ONE ASKED YOU.
[son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
7: Forward.
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, I found out Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent
If you meet a surgeon at a party don’t immediately start pitching to them. They are sick of hearing ideas for surgeries, and even if you give them a good one they will just steal it without crediting you
I’ve started leaving chocolates on my daughter’s pillow so she’ll feel like she’s living in a hotel and eventually check out
Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?
Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.
Nothing quite as humiliating as somebody slow-rolling past your garage sale and not stopping, like “I’m not above buying another person’s junk but just not yours.”
You: make yourself at home
Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*
i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either
Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.
Weekend #HayaoMiyazaki
At the park.
4yo niece: Can we play with the bodies again?
Me:
Me:
Me: Barbies! She means Barbies!
Carl: Gonna be a hot one today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Male ostriches can roar like lions.
Me: Fair enough, Carl.
interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
me: i’m a slow learner
interviewer: well…that’s not good
me: mannn they said at the last five interviews I went to
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
Her: She’s a ten but she-
Me: Hold up. Are you talking about yourself?
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?