If your girlfriend says “my pyramid is late…”
Know two things:
1. Your hearing is poor
2. That’s not your biggest problem right now
You Might Also Like
My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled
My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M’s for dinner. I was like, “You saw the banana, right?”
Here’s a sentence that has stuck with me for 22 years, from a doofy classmate’s story in 8th-grade English: “The werewolf puked and died.”
Saw a movie about a bunch of people on a cursed beach. Got old pretty quickly
I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.
Me: *annoyed that 3yo never wants to get in the bath and then never wants to get out of bath*
Also me: *procrastinates getting in the shower because comfy and lazy and then doesn’t want to get out of the shower because comfy and lazy*
The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues
To: ALL STAFF
Subject: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: FW: RE: RE: FW: RE: RE: FW: FW: How to Effectively Use the E-Mail Subject Line
therapist: how have you been coping with everything
me: with sarcasm mostly
therapist: has that been working
me: yeah it’s been super great
carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?
ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it
So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension
*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!
Thank you, they came with the frame.
DR: Good news and bad news
LADY: What’s the bad news
DR: Your husbands dead
LADY: *crying* Oh my god
DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is
20 year old me)I’m going to be rich
30 year old me)I’m going to travel
40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person
50 year old me)I’m going to bed
Just in case you’re thinking about having kids, I just broke up an argument about “excessive angry blinking” at each other.
You can break your toddler’s heart or you can explain that the dinosaur exhibit at the zoo is closed for cleaning. Choose wisely
anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench
“No. No, I’m sorry, but there must absolutely be a hole right here.”
My dog, after removing the top soil I put in a hole she hadn’t touched in well over a year.
nobody:
ppl with clear cases:
coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus
I’m sick and I’m going to work today; so if there’s some kind of Contagion-level outbreak, I’m your patient-zero.
I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit
the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire
I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”
Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.
I just had a near death experience
Death: I SAID 6 FEET, GODAMIT
I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.
my nurse asked if i was born in the US and i said “no, i was born abroad” and then there was a long silence followed by her saying “can you please help me? i can’t find ‘Abroad’ on this list…” and showed me a drop down list of countries…
Me: Evil never sleeps
Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT
Ernest Hemingway buys a pair of shoes mail order, but accidentally orders in a baby’s size. He tries to sell them, but no one understands