It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.
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*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*
I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend
Me: My golf distance is improving. You should see how far I can get my clubs down the fairway now.
Friend: Ball. You mean ball, right?
Me: No.
As a tall girl, spending less time on Twitter was a business decision that I made after discovering that my arms have a longer reach than my tweets.
Back in my day we didn’t have online dating. We’d write, “for a good time, call…” on public bathroom walls and wait for our phone to ring.
Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”
The only cardio that releases pleasurable endorphins is sex. I know this because 35min on a treadmill & I just want to punch someone!
Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.
Can’t leave this facebook group because someone has raccoons living under their bathtub and now I’m invested in how it plays out
My boyfriend finally proposed to me, well he proposed that I stop saying he’s my boyfriend and that I get off his lawn and just leave him alone.
Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch
You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!
Canadian Oneupmanship
Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
wife: [kissing me] let’s roleplay
me: ok
wife: pretend you’re my daddy
me: ok
wife I’ve been a bad girl
me: why’d u marry that idiot
When faced with a challenging situation I calmly ask myself “what would the hulk do?”
Then I rip my clothes and smash stuff up!
STUDENT: what’s it like being drunk?
TEACHER: see those 6 desks? A drunk person would see 12.
STUDENT: there are only 3 desks.
[at restaurant]
Me: What’s under all that garnish?
Her: Nothing, it’s a salad.
I made a smoothie with oat milk. It was horrible. So next time I will use this recipe:
1.) Take carton of oat milk. Change name on carton to boat milk with sharpie.
2.) Next, float it out to middle of lake.
3.) Last, light it on fire like a Viking funeral.
[soldier dying in my arms]
Soldier: tell my wife-
Me: dude I’m already giving messages for 3 guys. Just wait until she dies & tell yourself
What this place needs is a revival of the narrator tweets.
Narrator: No, that’s the last thing this place needs.
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
I’m beginning to think some of you are not your Avi’s, which makes me sad. I thought I had a unicorn and dinosaur friend.
succession but with mickey mouse and friends
How’s your morning?
Me: Grabs a bowl for coffee
Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say
I will have a piñata at my funeral.
You know, to make people happy.
It will be filled with bees.
You know, to make me happy too.