account balance: $1400
me at wendy’s: show me the square cows
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Date: wanna get out of here?
Me: let me just tie my shoe *realizes i don’t know how to tie my shoes* how bout another round of spaghetti
Sometimes, when I need a really good night’s sleep, I call my burrito guy to come over and tuck me in
Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.
Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug
Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes
Me: *researching sore foot*
WebMD: Dropped the frozen turkey again huh?
It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.
My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call
AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine
AMERICAN MEASUREMENT SYSTEM:
NASA CHIEF: No I said make a TIME machine.
ME: Oh that makes much more sense.
[Thousands of Tims nod in unison]
Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.
“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.
her: I don’t feel like talking
me: uh oh, is it me?
her: not at all, I’m having a hard time
me: uh oh, what did I do?
her: no no, a family member died
me: uh oh, did I kill them?
I have caller ID for the front door.
If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.
[coming out of coma]
Doc: You survived the heart attack
Me: I’m going to eat right & get fit
D: *shows me hospital bill*
M: *pulls plug*
guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there
first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much
Rich people say “Summered” we summered on Cape Cod. We went to Maine once on a Wednesday, I Wednesdayed in Maine
Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!
PATIENT: Doc, I haven’t been able to bone my wife lately and I really think-
DR DOG: Wait. Tell me more about the bone part
OH YEAHHHH WHO’S THE FAILURE NOW, PARENTS?!
“@funTweeters: @River_Niles Your tweet was published in “
“Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That’s all, so you don’t need to look.”
– my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious
90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.
Kids will say anything to procrastinate sleep. Tonight my 3yo called me into his room to tell me that he “bit his teeth.” Ok… well, now bite them with your eyes closed.
I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.
So my 5 year old’s stuffed owl and his stuffed mouse are best friends, and I don’t know how to break the news to him…
He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos
no
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.
There’s a state called, Ohio, but not a state called, Goodbio