Peanut butter
You’re almost as good as chocolate
Which is almost as good as cheese
Which is tied with vodka-Poem about the food pyramid
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*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*
Is this a date? It feels like a date.
Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.
Her: I don’t believe I threw it.
I bet you’re all super stoked about election year coming up
Barista: Name?
Me: Lotta Sexhaver *wink*
*Time passes*
Barista: Got a latte for Virgin McLiar
Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?
Me: this movie sucks
Boss: for the LAST time, this is a ZOOM. MEETING!
{the invention of maple syrup}
So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
Confused owl: What?!
[Drives date home]
ME [stops and revs engine sexily] I had a great time tonightDATE: [climbs off my lawnmower] I did not
the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them
It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.
Sometimes, I like to establish dominance over my shorter friends by telling them we need to hurry, and then climbing up a staircase, two steps at a time.
old timey fellow: i say have you addressed your pants falling down problem?
inventor of suspenders: indeed good sir i’ve hung them from my shoulders.
I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.
Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.
Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.
Norwegian chickens be like Bgårk
My 4yo thinks it’s fun to bring up special moments completely out of the blue. So all of a sudden I’ll hear, “mommy, remember when you forgot to water the plant and it died?” or “remember when daddy dropped the burgers on the floor?” Feels like we’re living with a tiny heckler.
If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.
Jesus H. Christ.
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
“Am I the only one who-?”
There are over 7 billion people on earth. No. No you’re not the only one.
Employee: please stop
Me: I’m just finding the right avocado
Employee: people usually just squeeze it
Me: *takes one bite out of another avocado* really?
I don’t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGIFriday’s once a month and glue more shit to the wall no one notices try it
Whenever I meet one of my 15 y/o’s bf’s, I always ask “Have you ever taken karate?”. “No sir”. “Well u fuckin better” !
Good parenting 101
of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare
[gf comes home after spray tanning]
Hey, orange you looking good!
“Thanks”
Anytime, pumpkin!
“You’re sweet”
You’re one in vermillion!
do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”