The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”
You Might Also Like
The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
[leaving the synagogue]
I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit
Employees must applaud the planets.
In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.
me as a child: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me as an adult: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me on my death bed: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
[on a farm]
Me: *sees a cow standing next to a bucket*
Oh, I’ve always wanted to do thatFarmer: Go ahead!
Me: *stands next to a bucket*
[first day working for IKEA]
Customer: one nightstand please
Me: sorry, I’m married
New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.
Don’t wait until tomorrow to be a good person. Wait until next Thursday
*does Basic Instinct leg cross*
*remembers I’m wearing jeans*
3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard
I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this
dentist: u need to floss
me: no
dentist: my other patient who wouldn’t floss lost all his teeth
me: really
dentist: in a fistfight
me: that sounds unrelated
dentist: it was my fist. do what i say
😂😂😂
Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.
Anime is real
I read that playing mind games will keep your brain sharp. I’ll start tonight by acting like I’m not mad when I really am mad.
Funny how we say “I drank a *pot* of coffee” instead of “I drank fourteen cups of coffee and chased the cat around the hot tub with a sword”
Babies invented being in a bad mood for no reason, and they continue to innovate in the field
My 3yo said “Alexa” repeatedly for 5 minutes and when he finally walked away Alexa asked if I could put her in a dark room with a bottle of wine
JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years
ME: I can’t speak that slowly
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
What I say and what I mean are three different things.
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them
If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.
I bet the worst part abt being an organ harvester for the black market is having to fill the motel bathtub using that little bucket for ice.
ME: we need to talk
BOYFRIEND: I agree. I was thinking—
ME: the fact that Rudolph’s nose was shiny says nothing about its actual luminosity & if it DID glow, red is the least bright light that human eyes see which is why it’s used in observatories. It wouldn’t help Santa at all
All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.
Age is somewhat irrelevant as “seen some shit” years will age you faster than anything else.