[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”
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AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car
i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.
I straightened my hair and wore my contacts. So according to all the 90s movies I’m unrecognizably hot now, right!?
A comprehensive list of the times I will willingly and happily go for a run:
When I’m nervous, I like to picture everyone naked. Then, I picture them fully clothed, with items of my choosing. It’s a very complex and fashionable coping mechanism.
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.
Him: Hi
Me: I bet you say that to all the girls
Me checking my bank balance online.
[school email]
Parents, please send a snack with your child to school…no cookies or candy please. Let’s keep it healthy:)[same email]
Today’s lunch menu: Chocolate chip pancakes, syrup infused bacon, Mtn Dew soaked carrots, snorted Pixie sticks, and liquified Cinnabons
In the beginning, people laughed at my penguin army. No one’s laughing now. I’m receiving treatment and everyone’s been really supportive.
So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”
Ways to look busy:
1. Turn up later than everyone else but rush into the office looking annoyed
2. Act like spending half an hour in the toilet has annoyed you
3. Rush around with an open laptop looking annoyed
4. Get annoyed at a printer
5. Just generally look annoyed
HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car
I picked up a couple nice slabs of fresh salmon from the local fish market. Lovingly rubbed it with dijon mustard, coarse salt and black pepper. Smoked it low till it reached a beautiful 140°.
Kids: “WE WANT FISH STICKS!”
*bother*
*bother*
*bother*
“WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEAN TO ME FOR NO REASON”
Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.
guy who invented shot put: im tired of holding this put
I hate it when genies exploit your poor choice of wording to fulfill your wish in a way you don’t actually want, like dude, you know what I meant.
7: Today in school we had to write 4 sentences about what we ate for breakfast his morning.
Me:
Him:
Me: I forgot to give you breakfast, didn’t I.
I see dead people.
Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.
My 4 year old asked if she could put makeup on me. I asked jokingly if she was going to “make me pretty,” to which she responded, dead serious, “you’re ALWAYS pretty, Mommy.” So I need to know where to get this child a unicorn do they have those on Amazon?
Engaged couples should register for two of everything so it’s easier to divide stuff when they divorce.
I’m sorry, I’m going to have to cancel, I’m completely snowed in
ACCOUNTANT: *taking a look at my books* These are just winky-face emojis.
ME: Yep.
ACCOUNTANT: I think I know why your business is failing.
No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.
“You wastrel” I scream after pausing to look up bad person in my thesaurus.
[2052 pre-apocalypse]
Him: If only we had one of those old VCR cables, we could save the world
Me: (pulling out bin) SEE KAREN, I TOLD YOU WE NEEDED TO KEEP THESE CORDS
ME: Can I taste your pancakes?
HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.
ME: