You’d better have a great day today
Don’t MAKE me have a great day FOR you 馃挭
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asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 馃槶
In banana years, I am bread.
I was an English major, which means I may or may not be able to get you out of a dangerous situation, but *patting your arm* at least I can write a 5-paragraph essay on the fatal flaw that led you to it.
FRIEND: What鈥檚 the movie, where they bring that monster to life and then have to destroy it?
[at the same time]
HER: Frankenstein.
ME: Frosty the Snowman.
My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.
Inmate: here’s the rule: find the biggest, baddest dude in the yard and…
Me: (sigh) don’t fall in love…
[runs out of toilet paper]
Me: *picks up cat* sorry, Mittens, desperate times call for desperate measures
6:There’s a monster under my bed
Me:That’s silly! There’s no such thi..OH GOD IT’S EATING MY ARM
6:SCREAMS
ME:KIDDING it only eats kids
Do we have a gender neutral pronoun yet?
“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates
“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
How to get me to like you:
Be pajamas.
STAGES OF HOTEL BUFFET BREAKFAST
1. Admire healthy selection of yoghurt and fruit
2. Start piece of toast in strange grill machine
3. Eat 19 rashers of bacon, 12 sausages and 2.3kg of scrambled egg
4. Toast burned, in bin
5. Eat 4 grapes and a piece of melon to be healthy
Bomb Squad: it’s going to explode if anyone makes any sudden movements
Officer: oh no
Hostage: oh no
Kool Aid Man: OH Y
Child: Can I borrow one of your shirts?
Me: Why?
Child: It’s School Spirit Week.
Me: And?
Child: Today is “Dress Like an Old Person Day.”
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food the kids dropped*
ant: oh wait
Me: Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
[Takes a nap]
[Watches 11 videos of UFO sightings on YouTube] l
[Stares at a tree]
Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
Daughter: *calling up the steps
Dad you almost ready?…We鈥檙e going to be late for my college orientation.
Me: *appears wearing just a toga
All set.
him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?
Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.
Daughter: goodnight Mama.
Wife: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Dada.
Me: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Moon.
Me: [high pitched voice] goodnight.
Daughter: the moon doesn鈥檛 sound like that.
Moon: yeah I don鈥檛 sound like that.
Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!
At the age where a big break could mean either my career or a hip
Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….
A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.
I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
Using spin moves while allowing an opponent’s sword to narrowly miss your head forces them to add majestic layers and volume to your hair.
leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies
If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.