sometimes if i’m having trouble falling asleep i just pretend i’m watching lord of the rings
You Might Also Like
Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation
Me: *floating*
How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
I was led to believe my middle ages would involve more jousts.
The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.
If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.
Me: can I wish for more wishes
Genie: no
Me: i wish for $20 then
Genie: granted
Me: *slides $20 across table* how about those wishes now
you heard me, make the middle of my dress look like a slice of pizza
Hello, I’ve finished my free trial of adulting and I’m no longer interested. I’d like to cancel my subscription. Is there a manager I can speak to?
ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know
Bandanas are back in style, it only took a worldwide pandemic.
Ro-Ro-Robocop,
Gently down the stream,
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Killing bad guys in old Detroit in revenge for his murder.
me: *responds maybe to a fb event*
wife: [from the other room] YOU’RE GOING TO OUR SON’S BIRTHDAY
I envy the women who can bite their bottom lip and look sexy. I do that and it’s a toss up between “does she need to go to the bathroom and is lost?” Or “is she getting that piece of corn out from her teeth?”
Me after a regular weekend: Back to the grind
Me after a 3-day weekend: How now shall I labor when I’ve grown accustomed to my rightful place among the leisure class
I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.
It’s literally my first instinct.
Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
On predisents day we honor the big US man himself: Aberham Liclon. Tall, skinny, dry, and cruncy – he was america’s carrot
“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd
MAN: [having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
MAN: [faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh sorry! Doctor, are you ok?!
A small part of me is filled with self-loathing for how much pizza I can eat in one sitting. The rest of me is filled with pizza.
When life hands you women, make women laid.
If you know what “A/S/L?” means, I hope your back is okay. 😭
Nice empty fish tank
It’d be a shame if someone were to FILL IT WITH SNAKES!
*the terrarium is invented*
When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.
8: *reading about the universe* How do stars die?
Me: Mostly old age. Sometimes an overdose, sometimes a pickled liver.
Once I surprised my husband with a murder mystery weekend, and not to brag, but it only took him an hour to get drunk and accuse everyone at our table of being the murderer.
Remember that great stick you found that one summer when you were a kid? You carried it everywhere. The bark worn smooth with constant handling. It made the perfect WOOSH sound when you swung it hard. It made you feel so strong.
Man, I wish they still made sticks.
Me: *on the computer*
9-year-old: What are you doing?
Me: Registering you for school.
9: I thought we were friends.