Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
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Ibuprofen is the new Chiclets for people over 40
Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?
All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…
Me When I’m Sick: *very careful not to cough around my kids, tries to wipe down the surfaces I touch, don’t share food with them etc*
My Kids When They Are Sick: *sneezes directly into my mouth*
Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.
My gym is opening up again, so now I have to go back to not going because I’m lazy.
“I have a cure for your burning bush.” — Moses hitting on the ladies
It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.
Librarian “SHHHHH”
*Turns lawnmower to low setting*
Kids: Stay in school.
That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.
1st base: sex
2nd base: not wearing makeup
3rd base: calling each other
home run: discussing your mental health issues and past traumas
Me: I’m inviting Doug to watch the game
Wife: I thought you were mad at Doug bc he still hasn’t returned our shop vac
Me: I’m over it
[halftime, 2 beers later]
TV: 🎶Like a good neighbor, state farm is there🎶
Me: you know what else a good neighbor does, Doug?
Son: dad there’s a spider in my room!
Me: he’s more afraid of you than you are of him
Son: can you get rid of him
Me: no because I’m like ten times more afraid of him than he is of you
It went from “Oh, you guys really want to get to know your mom” to “Why are you asking me all these questions?” to “Which of my accounts are you trying to get into?”
I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
Me: why don’t I have a gf
Him: have you tried asking someone
Me: no
Him: like her. Ask her.
Me [shyly, to her]: why don’t I have a gf
My son asked if a punch bowl is where you keep the names of people you want to punch.
I usually keep them in my head, but storing them in decorative crystal seems really classy.
Sounds like a bargain
This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would
Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?
More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.
Come on guys, lemme back in the gang! I’m real good at crimes!
“No”
Why?
“YOU GOT ARRESTED BY A POLICE HORSE CARL HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE”
George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.
Toby Keith playing a men-only concert in Saudi Arabia is historic. It’s the 1st time being a woman in Saudi Arabia is a benefit.
Saw a billboard that said “if you can plan a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and like, aren’t those the same thing?
Dr: well i have good news and bad news
Me: give me the bad news
Dr: you have cancer
Me: what’s the good news
Dr: i don’t
*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?
my first day as a raccoon