Therapist: you’ve finally learned to stand up to people, well done
Me: thank you
Therapist: now you need to pay my bill
Me: no
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WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that’s God’s Way of saying “Nope”.
Twitter is the only place where you encourage strangers to follow you. What could possibly go wrong?
[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit
Thanks to the rising food prices I’m now on an 80/20 eating plan.
My food intake is 80% ramen and 20% stolen from my neighbor’s DoorDash order.
CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
My toddler told me to open my mouth and close my eyes and then proceeded to eat the surprise herself. She’s clearly ready for adulthood
*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*
My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions
when there are deer in the woods
When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.
Me: (plops myself next to 9 on his bed)
9: Wow. You’re heavy. You made a mini earthquake
Me: (pushes 9 off the bed)
9: What the heck was that?!
Me: Aftershock
I’m sick of everybody in this house.
-me, who lives alone.
Apparently, if you scream into a pillow at Target you have to buy it.
Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.
– me as a marriage counselor
Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*
I work at Home Depot.
White guy: There is a man selling tamales out of the trunk of his car in the parking lot and disturbing costumers
Me: Thank you for that information
Me to tamale guy: Are you the guy selling tamales?
Tamale guy: yes
Me: I’ll take three
*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*
*walks up to Michael Cohen’s door*
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Says.”
“Says who?”
“THE POLLS. ALL OF THEM.”
Most people don’t even know that New York was attacked by the Stay Puffed Marshmallow Man in the 80’s. I saw a documentary about it.
Quick shout-out to @funTweeters. The “aggregators” and “parodies” could learn a thing or two from this account. It’s aggregation done right.
Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.
Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence
Thoughts and prayers to everyone in Hawaii who finally came clean w/ a spouse or partner thinking the missile was on its way.
“Oh, I get it!”
– Me, when I didn’t get it.
People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.
WIFE: *reading news* A body was found outside the bakery but they can’t identify it.
ME: A John Dough
HER: Get out!
[during sex]
HER: can you turn off the light
ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet
Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
Me: please just one more wish
Genie: no, I said 3
Me: please
Genie: no
Me: [holding my new Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Donatello action figures] Genie please