We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around
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This is why I hate group projects
Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.
My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.
Sometimes in life, a bump in the road can alter your course in a new & positive direction!*
*It could also be a raccoon, or a dead jogger.
“Dad, where do babies come from?”
“Walmart.”
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
Is fructose made with real fruct?
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.
Gym Employee: Thats not how you operate that machine, sir.
Me: *Hanging clothes all over treadmill* But this is how I use it at home.
juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??
Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.
Me, on phone: Hi, I’d like to cancel my account.
Cust Serv Rep: Oh I’m sorry, you’re not an authorized user.
Me: Oh ok, let me go grab my husband
Also me: Hi, this is Nicholas
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
Bible Study with my dad when i was kid:
“But Papa, why is having frogs everywhere such a bad thing?”
*Talking about 10 plagues of Eygpt*
Interviewer: Your resume says your desired job is “sinecure.” Did you mean to use a different word there?
Me: Did I misuse that word? Ha, sorry about that!
Interviewer: No problem, ha ha.
Me: What I meant is that I want to get paid for doing almost no work.
Me: Quitters never prosper.
12-year-old: What about people who quit drugs?
I’m out of wisdom for today.
I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague
My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.
Husband grabbed bagel sandwiches for breakfast (hunting)
I stayed in bed liking TikToks for us to watch later (gathering)
its cool in movies when a guy blows into town and after a 30 second conversation an old guy is like, you can work in my bar and sleep in the spare room above the garage and eat meals with my family and have sex with my daughter
Escape rooms are a fun way to discover you’re the dumbest in your friend group
The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.
70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.
wife: Where’s the food?
[flashback to me waving at a dog and forgetting to stop at the second window to pick it up]
me: Dammit
At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
[November 2030]
*at the ocean*
“don’t forget your oil block, 800 spf sunblock and your radiation suits”
Kids: This fish has three heads
I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.
Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.