My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.
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If you have joint pain..
You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.
Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.
normal person: 9+7=16
me: if 10+7 is 17 and 9 is one less than 10 then 9+7 must be 16
Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!
lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?
Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am
lawyer: where are you?
me: 2018
When I found out Santa wasn’t real I got so mad at my parents I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove and drove.
“honey let me see” i exclaim at my weeping wife. i finally manaeg to get the pregnancey test off her.i look downe & see the reading. ‘wasps’
My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they’re naming IKEA furniture.
I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.
[dinner negotiations]
Wife: where do you want to go to eat?
Me: ugh
Wife:
Me: you pick
Wife: I’m craving kale
Me: I’ll pick
She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.
I CALL BULLSHIT
Let’s hear some tropes in TV/movies that are complete bullshit. I’ll start:
Dude making dinner produces a gourmet-looking dish, has a neatly folded hand towel thrown over his shoulder, and is wearing an *immaculate* white dress shirt. BULLSHIT!
Her: I’m really into eating clean.
Me: (trying to impress her) I also use many napkins.
[dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice
Me: You didn’t specify whether you meant “parallel” according to the rules of Euclidean geometry or hyperbolic geometry.
Driving instructor: My bad. Now see if you can back out of this person’s living room.
*falls from grace*
PARKOUR!
Giving blood today. Not my own, of course. That would be creepy.
Wife: what are you doing
Me: teaching the dog poker
Wife: where are your pants
Me: *shuffling cards* lost em two hands ago
I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.
Same kid, same.
british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”
i need to stop taking melatonin before bed because it is giving me fever dreams. last night i dreamed i made a billboard #1 hit single and the only lyric i can still remember is “smokin on that shit that made gumby pregnant”
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
“I got a kitten and it scratches me a lot.”
-Lame
-basic
-victim mindset“I hired a tiny, freelance, in-house acupuncturist.”
-cool!
-impressive
-sounds wealthy
Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
Same pineapple, same
Everyone: Sleep when your baby sleeps.
My brain: Oh man she’s so cute. Just stare at her for two hours straight until she wakes up again.
[gun goes off]
[every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]
ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway
Before letters were invented the alphabet song was an instrumental.
When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host