Helpful phrases:
“We’ll get there when we get there”
“We’ll know when we know”
“Well, it is what it is”
“It’s neither here nor there”
“First thing’s first”
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you”
“I don’t mind either way”
“It’ll be in the last place you look”
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Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
[Watching an educational show]
[3 year-old asks a million questions I have no answer for]
Me: Okay, let’s watch Bugs Bunny instead.
[5 minutes later]
3: Why doesn’t he hop?
Me: ᴰᵃᵐᵐⁱᵗ
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
[job interview]
“So why do you want to be a jeweler?”ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies
gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”
him: you’re obsessed with the Flintstones
me *totally broke, struggling to use a chipmunk to open a can* haha yes
Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”
My favorite part of riding an elevator is staring at my phone while avoiding eye contact with the person I just tried to close the doors on.
I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives.
The police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.
Torturer: I’ll cut your fingers off
Me: I’ll NEVER tell you the passcode!
Torturer: I’ll burn your skin
Me: Never talking!
Torturer: I’ll read the poems you wrote in high school
Me: It’s 2547
How much peanut butter do you guys usually have on your phone?
*arriving home as my house burns down*
Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.
Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.
Year 2142: Meat eaters have died out. Vegans survive.
2143: Everyone is dead b/c the vegans couldn’t tell anyone else that they were vegan.
What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.
Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.
This is a bad idea on so many levels.
*tries to turn on TV*
TV: I have a boyfriend
I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 😭
HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
[showing my 4yo a Slinky]
me: look, it’s walking down the stairs
kid: what else can it do
me: literally nothing
When life hands you a komodo dragon suddenly the times you got lemons seem pretty cool.
I call my phone Lois because it doesn’t recognize me without my glasses
“I will cook for you.” I threatened
I can’t believe I gave him my whole heart and he just shit on it like it was nothing, I hate mennnnever mind, he texted back. False alarm.
Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut
How do dragons blow out candles?
I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.
A lady once dmed and asked if we had internet in Brazil. I think about it a lot
Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.