Lord Of the Rings is a story about a brave little Hobbit on a mission to destroy a ring and save the world, and his annoying friend Frodo.
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Is it a compliment when someone says, “You look great, I didn’t even recognize you?”
back to work
Whoever said, “Money can’t buy happiness,” never got a personal cheque for $5.00 from their grandma for their birthday.
“The world is finally getting back to normal”
Omicron:
I once took a woman back to a hotel who was in town from Canada back when I was sweet. I kept taking her clothes off but she was wearing so many layers. After a good half hour of peeling, I finally reached the center only to find… nothing. Only the slightest scent of maple.
[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]
14: it smells like chores in here
having a drunk argument with someone over whether a sexy abraham lincoln costume would be hotter than a sexy teddy roosevelt and somehow we’re both losing
my 8yo: this girl at camp showed me her nooks and crannies today.
me:
me: nooks and crannies?
him: it’s a kind of candy.
me: whew
Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.
Party guest: Where should I put these kale chips and cauliflower?
Me: There’s a bag for garbage under the sink.
Me: Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you unders…
Dr:(removes stethoscope) Really? Everytime?
How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.
[3rd Date]
*To myself* ok, you really like this girl. Just play it cool, detached.
ME: I don’t even care what season we get married in.
no one:
my brain:
key largo montego
olivia rodrigo
Me: We start with 20 primary teeth and end up with 32 permanent teeth.
Squirrel: ours never stop growing
Walrus: and growing
Rat: and growing
Elephant: and growing
Groundhog: and growing
So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.
Me: I weigh 10x more than the cat and yet she trusts me completely. So sweet.
You:
Me:
You: It’s a lot more than 10x.
Me: Don’t ruin this.
Made a really scary jack-o-lantern this year.
[adds another nod to the conversation]
Dishwasher: “I’m gonna see if they notice I’m not washing the dishes.”
Sink: “Good one.”
What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go
[spelling bee]
Judge: your word is tennis
Me: s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s-s
Judge:
Me:
Judge: please spell it again i lost count
british waiter: what topping would ye fancy on yer pizza?
british guy: tea
british waiter: jolly good choice
[both laugh britishingly]
This documentary says Barbie has had over 300 illustrious careers. And only one boyfriend.
You can just call me Opposite Barbie.
There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve
a fate I wish upon no one
Ribbed condoms don’t even taste like ribs
Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.