If a bear attacks me, I’m staying put. The only thing worse than getting attacked by a bear, is getting attacked by a bear while running.
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the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon
One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.
I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)
Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house 😆
Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?
I’ve reached the age where good or bad news from friends produce the same reaction: I should make them a casserole. I have officially become my grandmother.
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Cool! Did you know the human body can’t feel water, only a change in temperature?
Him: no. not like that.
*gets off on a technicality
Technicality: Perv.
health insurance agent: and do you smoke?
me: *winking* only after sex
hia: *filling in the application* client doesn’t smoke
Me: *Asks question on snapchat*
Them: *Answers question on snapchat*
Me: “Wait, what did I ask again?”
Sometimes an person unexpectedly comes into your life, makes your heart race and has such an impact on your life.
Just didn’t want it to be a cop.
You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong
i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
8, peering closely at me: what’s that?
Me: my necklace
8: How do you know?
That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button
Interviewer: give me an example of when you’ve been a team player
Me: once my friend wanted to sleep with this girl but she was married
Interviewer: and you?
Me: distracted her husband with an interview
This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.
Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.
[Watching an educational show]
[3 year-old asks a million questions I have no answer for]
Me: Okay, let’s watch Bugs Bunny instead.
[5 minutes later]
3: Why doesn’t he hop?
Me: ᴰᵃᵐᵐⁱᵗ
Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.
I accidentally put my yoga pants on backwards this morning; and I’m absolutely horrified to say, they’ve never fit better.
Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.
Marriage Counsellor: …
Spent the day dressed as a bee, gently bumping myself against my neighbor’s sliding-glass door. Got the hose twice.
painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not
Cop: we have you surrounded come out with your hands up
Stick Figure: lol
Cop: wait are you surrendering or laughing right now
[dog park]
Go get it, boy!*dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace*
Ugh, you’re the worst golden retriever ever