Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.
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Sound smarter than you are: end words with “eaux” and sentences with “if you will.” If you’re pissed, “quite frankly” adds a nice touch.
the difference between me and humpty dumpty is that his friends looked at him and thought to themselves “we should put him back together”
[Elephant at a party] Nice piano!
[me] thanks
[Elephant] What are the keys made of?
[Me] Uhh..
[Rhino appears behind me] Tell him Kyle
I thought my 1-year-old had hints of red in her hair like me. Turned out she had dried-up sweet potato in her hair…also like me.
“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.
It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.
It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.
I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..
Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.
Not to brag but my wife just mentioned fireworks in the bedroom to me. She wants me to keep them somewhere else until the 4th but still…
TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…
..Frying the bacon
I know there’s this whole “Gen-Z vs Millennials” thing going on but I’m excited to see what my kids roll their eyes at when I get old.
Like I’m just imagining my daughter like “God, Mom, you still use menstrual cups? Just think your period into the cloud like everyone else.”
I’m sorry I couldn’t get to my blinker in time I’m almost done with this salad
rich people are like we have to disguise the refrigerator
Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea
Husband: Did you put “Deadly Wives” and “Why Women Kill” on our watchlist?
Me, picking up his socks sitting on the floor next to the laundry basket: Should’ve added “How to Get Away with Murder” as well.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
I’m amazed they make so many cars without turn signals. Seems like that would be a requirement on a vehicle.
There’s a bird in the yard and she’s shaking her tail feathers in hope of attracting a mate. HE SHOULD LOVE YOU FOR YOUR BRAIN, I yell.
Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.
Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.
My family tasked me with prepping the canned cranberry sauce and I don’t eat berries from a can so I had no idea how it was supposed to be. It looked like jello so I smashed it all up and apparently I was supposed to slice it. My grandma is crying
Toy designer: a remote control car that’s rechargeable!
Executive: But how will we still make this awkward for parents who buy them for their kids?
TD: oh.. we’ll just make it so you still need batteries for the controller
A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife..
I’m starting to suspect the cat knows more than she’s letting on but I’ll never know because she’s changed the passcode to get into her laboratory.
Me: Here you go.
Her: WTF?
Me: It’s the genital mold you wanted.
Her: I said gelatin mold!
Me: *waddles away with pants around ankles*
I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.
Her: Why did you text me “High Fructose Corn Syrup?”
Me: I think you’re sweet…
Her: …Awwww…
Me: …and will eventually kill me.
9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?
Me: Slept in.