[Nightcap]
Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.
Her: It’s….a….nice.
Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.
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The mall reopened today, but I don’t have any Bath & Body coupons so I’m not going.
“I’m THIRSTY!”
“Can I have a drink?”
“DAAAAAAAAD!”
“I WANT WAAAAAAAAAAAAATER!”See? My son can turn water into whine, too.
Your move, God.
Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you
Me: Noice.
Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.
[In the White House war room]
Me: You know Militia would be a great name for a girl.
Every time someone in a movie is being stalked, it’s like they can’t even hear the suspenseful music.
❤️❤️❤️
Stranger at public charging station: Did you just unplug my phone?
Me: Yours is at 40 percent and mine is at 5 percent. I invoked triage rules.
*pushes you to the couch and latches on*
I’m a koala, and you’re my eucalyptus tree.
*pretends to eat your hair*
Me: sshhhhh, the house is right there *loading shotgun*
Realtor: *steps on a twig that snaps loudly*
House: *picks up garage and runs into the forest*
Me: for a realtor, you really suck at house hunting
wake me up when ChatGPT can procrastinate for 7 hours before starting a manual data entry task, then I’ll feel threatened in my job
[1st day in Senate]
Me: I’m against genetic engineering
Scientist: We’ve developed kids w/ volume knobs
Me: How much funding do you need
Once in third grade I karate kicked at a popular girl because she was making fun of me and my shoe flew off and went directly into her mouth. So, yes, I guess you could say I know a thing or two about martial arts.
(painted my 7yr old’s nails)
7: I know you did the best you could, it’s just that, the colors we’re supposed to have an ombré effect.
Me: Oh, an ombré effect. Well, if you’re dissatisfied with the service please feel free to leave a negative review for my non existent nail salon.
getting really tired of taking a girl out for drinks, then dropping by her house on the following day and being told by her mum “you must have the wrong house” [motioning to a black-and-white photograph of my date from the night before] “Sarah died thirteen years ago last night.”
It’s the freakin’ weekend, baby, I’m about to cancel some plans
You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..
After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)
People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.
When a child loses a tooth, some parents put a dollar under their pillow. Other parents leave a book called, “Your Disintegrating Body.”
I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.
“To boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What?”
“I said boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What happened to the to?”
“It split.”
CNN: The alien invasion has begun
British person: I’ll put the kettle on
ME (calling my horse with no name):
[Ouija board]
O spirits, let me talk to m-
C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I
*squints*
What the heck?
A 3G board?
You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car
Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.
Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.
Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?
Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.