Clerk: Sir this is an awful lot of cheese for one person.
Me: What?
C: You should be ashamed of yourself, panic buying is not the answer.
M: Panic buying? Um, what are you talking about, 7 blocks of cheese is a normal week for me.
C:
M:
C: Have a nice day
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My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.
My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.
One arm at a time.
The big book of baby names but for safe words
Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?
WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”
Me: hahahahahaahaahahaha
Personal trainer: what’s so funny?
Me: oh man I thought you were joking about running
[trying to climb out of beanbag chair] Divorce?
When I laugh on my period
Predator reluctantly turning off it’s cloaking technology so it can wash it’s hands at a sensor faucet
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!
I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.
The Five Stages of Dinner:
1-optimism
2-denial
3-bargaining
4-chicken nuggets
5-dessert
If you didn’t want a doll made entirely out of my hair then maybe you shouldn’t have liked my selfie
When I grow up, I want to be 16
“I’ve said too much already.“
“All you did was blink.”
“Yeah, but twice.”
Helping my daughter study for her geology exam, and apparently ‘hard’ ‘classic’ and ‘punk’ AREN’T the 3 different types of rock.
Who knew.
GOD: there, my first animal 🙂
SNAKE:youre not done right? How am I supposed to move?
G:like this*shimmies*
S:
G:just kinda*shimmies*
S:dude
Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”
I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.
A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.
TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation
Instead of throwing away broken phone charger cords, 5 years ago I started saving them for an experiment. I’m 3 cords away from a complete world wrap around.
I told my kids they could have everything they want from the Amazon toy catalogue all they have to do is cut out the pictures and play with them which worked out great because now they’re not talking to me so problem solved
Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.
[first day in prison]
me: I was told to join the meanest, most violent group in here so I was wondering if you guys had a spot open
guard: what
What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?
Gloves!
Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.
I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.
Short notice, but does anyone fancy spending a month on a private island in the Maldives? I’m looking for someone to join me ASAP as I’d prefer to leave this Sunday. Must have a private island in the Maldives, otherwise you’re wasting my time.