“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession
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My wife yelled from upstairs and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”
I replied “No…”
She responded: “How about now?”
Taking a screenshot on windows: *gently press screenshot button*
Taking a screenshot on Mac:
Command + shift + 3 + Steve Jobs’ birthday + 3.14159 + a drop of human blood
Accidentally pronounced wifi as “wifey” and the hotel concierge said the password’s helping out around the house and being a good listener.
DATE: gonna grab my jacket and brb. you look great by the way
ME (whispering to my suit made of chameleons): hell yeah keep it up you guys
In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.
Guys in motorcycle clubs should have to go door to door like Mormon missionaries.
I don’t really wanna join but I’d like to be asked
why does this building look like a guilty dog
*DOG Talks
Dog (wearing headset):
So when I realized I didn’t *have* to fetch the ball, the power dynamic between me and my human shifted dramatically.
If you’ve never said “I love you too” in a way that sounds a tad bit angry, then you must not have kids you are trying to put to bed.
It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99
To the organizations that send me news alerts: However interested you think I am in the private life of Taylor Swift, I promise you it’s less than that.
What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
‘You look fat’ is both an ice-breaker and a bone-breaker
me: this used to be a Pizza Hut, you can always tell no matter what they turn it into
prison guard: no talking after lights out
#FattenUpABand The Rolling Scones
A girl who can wear a baseball hat is hot. Unless it’s a team I hate. In that case, she’s probably a whore.
a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle
“Jesus Christ, Roger… What the hell are you doing with your life?”
Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops
Mr. Smith: My family names goes back to my ancestor that was a blacksmith.
Mr. Carpenter: Mine goes back to an ancestor that was a woodworker.
Mr. Dickinson: Mine goes back to an ancestor we no longer speak of
Ten things only 90s people remember:
1. 1990
2. 1991
3. 1992
4. 1993
5. 1994
6. 1995
7. 1996
8. 1997
9. 1998
10. That sound the modems made
There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p
First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING
What question should you NEVER ask a Geologist?
Are these Tectonic Plates dish washer safe?
“Everything’s fine,” the babysitter said into the phone. “But can I cover up the weird clown statue in your hallway?”
“Get out of the house, I’m calling the police,” the father urgently replied. “You have disrespected my clown statue and I hate you.”
Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.
Is it cheating to ask the Ouija board for Worlde answers?
Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.