Doctor: Absolutely DO NOT take this medication with grapefruit juice.
Me: How about bourbon?
Doctor: Grapefruit juice will be fine
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Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.
What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?
I refuse to lose another rap battle!
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
doctor: I’ve never lost a patient and I’m not about to start now dammit!
nurse: we found him. he was hiding in the linen closet
Happy Alien Day. Did you know aliens do not abduct people, but they’re very fond of socks and Tupperware lids.
Dad: I’m so hungry.
Me: Hi, so hungry I’m son!
*Dad turns head very slowly*
[camera cuts to Dad patting down pile of dirt with shovel]
Marty: I know you want a sandwich Doc but this is crazy
Doc Brown: a loaf of bread only cost 18 cents in 1955 Marty, we have to go back
Marty: it’s just bread
Doc Brown: it’s only 18 cents, come ogle your mother
Marty: what?
Doc Brown: what, what?
My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.
I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.
Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals
Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages
if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab
Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom
No one:
My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.
For lunch today, I think I will have a blistering hot bowl of ice cold soup. Thanks microwave.
The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.
I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.
Biden: I wonder if I’ll still get free ice cream when I’m no longer VP
Obama: Joe, we have bigger problems.
Biden:
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*
My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: WHY ISN’T HE BURNING
Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.
Googling definitions of well known words daily so if I need to I can plead insanity
“dogs are better than cats they crap outside” yeah except if my cat has to crap at 1am he can just go but if my dog needs to I gotta get up out of bed and let him out like that is not superior
three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs
You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.
When you’re Godzilla every city is a walkable city
Grocery store: “Instead of buying a bunch of basil you can buy this basil plant and then you’ll have months’ worth of dead basil plant.”